Trigger warning: This post may open up a host of emotions that you may not be ready to feel or relate to right now. If so, please feel free to scroll.
It opens up a sadness like you have never experienced before. You feel raw, empty, hardened, bitter, and helpless all at once. It crashes down upon you in an instant, and its presence can remain a lifetime. I wish so many people couldn’t relate to the feeling of heartache and loss we call miscarriage.
You wonder what you did wrong, only to realize there’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Your resolve quickly disappears, and you try to numb yourself; only to realize that nothing can truly take the pain away. The shock and sadness comes over you like a tidal wave, triggers banging into the shore just to remind you of your loss. You have waited for this moment, only for it to be short lived and taken as quickly as it was given.
People don’t talk about how the deep emotional wound brings other previous trauma wounds to the surface. Things that you have buried suddenly become familiar again, much to your dismay. The wounds continuously stack over themselves, until you feel broken, empty, exhausted, and above all, emotionally bankrupt.
You close your eyes just to get a grip on reality, only to discover that you want to go back to your dreams. Your dreams are where your heart hasn’t shattered into a million pieces. You want to bury yourself into sad music, books that can relate, snuggling with your dog, social activities, and exercise; but it all fails to keep you happy like it did once before. All of your regular activities will not fill the hole, no matter how hard you try to block it and put a smile on your face.
The pain is so visceral that you feel blinded by its palpable force. You felt this baby in your body and soul at one time, even if it was short, and you were never alone during its stay. Once the baby leaves you, the feelings of emptiness and abandon start, and you are left to pick up the pieces. Every experience and pregnancy is unique, and the losses vary based on the individual. But one thing is universal: the sorrow you feel when the pregnancy is gone.
We prayed so hard for this child, and we will continue to pray for success in the future. But we will never forget this experience; both the good and the bad. It etches a piece of your heart and mind and writes a different story than you had originally pictured. It’s messy and diluted – the opposite of what you had envisioned for your life. They say that’s how this life works, because of the fall and how broken we are. There are many times I want to have a personal conversation with Adam and Eve about this injustice, only to realize it’s futile. Our human experience isn’t meant to be smooth or linear – it’s meant to be real.
I can tell you over and over again how many times I’ve tried to self-soothe and lessen the blow, but it may not help. To feel it is to heal it, even if it feels like it’s breaking you in its grip. They say time heals all wounds, but I disagree. I think time changes all wounds, and it forms differently than it originally had to somehow fit into the plan for your lifetime. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans for our lives, so I’m going to defer to God on this one.
Even if the grief process happens to a lot of people and is “common”, it doesn’t take away from the feelings you have. To say most people feel this is a blanket statement and complete platitude for real sorrow. Your feelings are valid.
It gives me hope to know that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings, but I also wish so many didn’t know the pain of miscarriage. The grieving process is confusing, frightening, frustrating, and completely elusive. You can’t label it or put it in a box: it just is.
To the one who is hurting from pregnancy loss or something like it – I hear you and I see you. Most importantly, God hears you and sees you. Wherever you are at in your fertility journey, we will continue to pray for success and a hope-filled future. That’s what we hinge upon now: hope and faith. If God can perform miracles, he can perform one for all the little ones that have been lost, or have yet to be.
I wrote to our little blessing every week of his/her journey here with us. Now that I’m making my peace with our baby being in a different place, I know he/she is placed in the best of hands. Goodbye for now, little one. We miss you so much already. We will see you again someday. 🙏🩶
*Life Amplified* 