Goodbye, Little One: A Post on Pregnancy Loss

Trigger warning: This post may open up a host of emotions that you may not be ready to feel or relate to right now. If so, please feel free to scroll.

It opens up a sadness like you have never experienced before. You feel raw, empty, hardened, bitter, and helpless all at once. It crashes down upon you in an instant, and its presence can remain a lifetime. I wish so many people couldn’t relate to the feeling of heartache and loss we call miscarriage.

You wonder what you did wrong, only to realize there’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Your resolve quickly disappears, and you try to numb yourself; only to realize that nothing can truly take the pain away. The shock and sadness comes over you like a tidal wave, triggers banging into the shore just to remind you of your loss. You have waited for this moment, only for it to be short lived and taken as quickly as it was given.

People don’t talk about how the deep emotional wound brings other previous trauma wounds to the surface. Things that you have buried suddenly become familiar again, much to your dismay. The wounds continuously stack over themselves, until you feel broken, empty, exhausted, and above all, emotionally bankrupt.

You close your eyes just to get a grip on reality, only to discover that you want to go back to your dreams. Your dreams are where your heart hasn’t shattered into a million pieces. You want to bury yourself into sad music, books that can relate, snuggling with your dog, social activities, and exercise; but it all fails to keep you happy like it did once before. All of your regular activities will not fill the hole, no matter how hard you try to block it and put a smile on your face.

The pain is so visceral that you feel blinded by its palpable force. You felt this baby in your body and soul at one time, even if it was short, and you were never alone during its stay. Once the baby leaves you, the feelings of emptiness and abandon start, and you are left to pick up the pieces. Every experience and pregnancy is unique, and the losses vary based on the individual. But one thing is universal: the sorrow you feel when the pregnancy is gone.

We prayed so hard for this child, and we will continue to pray for success in the future. But we will never forget this experience; both the good and the bad. It etches a piece of your heart and mind and writes a different story than you had originally pictured. It’s messy and diluted – the opposite of what you had envisioned for your life. They say that’s how this life works, because of the fall and how broken we are. There are many times I want to have a personal conversation with Adam and Eve about this injustice, only to realize it’s futile. Our human experience isn’t meant to be smooth or linear – it’s meant to be real.

I can tell you over and over again how many times I’ve tried to self-soothe and lessen the blow, but it may not help. To feel it is to heal it, even if it feels like it’s breaking you in its grip. They say time heals all wounds, but I disagree. I think time changes all wounds, and it forms differently than it originally had to somehow fit into the plan for your lifetime. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans for our lives, so I’m going to defer to God on this one.

Even if the grief process happens to a lot of people and is “common”, it doesn’t take away from the feelings you have. To say most people feel this is a blanket statement and complete platitude for real sorrow. Your feelings are valid.

It gives me hope to know that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings, but I also wish so many didn’t know the pain of miscarriage. The grieving process is confusing, frightening, frustrating, and completely elusive. You can’t label it or put it in a box: it just is.

To the one who is hurting from pregnancy loss or something like it – I hear you and I see you. Most importantly, God hears you and sees you. Wherever you are at in your fertility journey, we will continue to pray for success and a hope-filled future. That’s what we hinge upon now: hope and faith. If God can perform miracles, he can perform one for all the little ones that have been lost, or have yet to be.

I wrote to our little blessing every week of his/her journey here with us. Now that I’m making my peace with our baby being in a different place, I know he/she is placed in the best of hands. Goodbye for now, little one. We miss you so much already. We will see you again someday. 🙏🩶

Bankrupt without Love

The ethereal sounds make our heart sing and dance

We know we at peace from the way it hits our soul

To feel like we have been given a second chance

This is the way life is to behold

Now we can feel the joy resounding

We can close our eyes and just be

The way our heads are pounding

It’s no wonder we need to feel free

We know this isn’t our home

Sometimes we forget amongst the noise

To feel like we can roam

Is something in which we have a choice

We can choose to be sad and that’s okay

We are human and we are frail

All we can really do is pray

We are loved even when we fail

By a force so gale and large

We know beyond us it exists

We don’t have to be in charge

When God continues to persist

He chooses us every single day

We are so busy that we forget to be thankful

He thinks you are perfect in every type of way

Even when life begins to be a handful

It can really challenge you and you can decide

What are you going to do?

You can choose to crumble, or choose to enjoy the ride

God is with forever with you

When you feel so upset that you cannot see

The Lord is present and calm

He is the almighty and has come to be

So that we can feel his presence and be strong

Vulnerability is the key to all things

We don’t always want to show it

By grace through faith his words ring

In our hearts we already know it

The Importance of Dreams

Free your mind and the rest will follow. Let your spirit wonder and close your eyes. This is where the dreams come into effect. Life gets monotonous and serious, but ideas remain intangible truths waiting to come to fruition. Deny the voice inside, and it will come back to haunt your nightmares and give you hell until you pay attention to it. That’s the dark reality and enigmatic irony of dreamland. Don’t stop the visions from gracing your daydreams when you are awake, for they are deeper indicators of your most innate desires and hopes.

The alternate, (and most pertinent), definitions of a dream are as follows: 1. A succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. 2. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie. 3. An aspiration; goal; aim. & Finally 4. Something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

I’m something of a hippie when I think of flow state dreams and aspirations beyond the normal. Perhaps I’m an optimist when it comes to reaching higher frequencies than this dimension; it’s why I believe in entities larger than me. And it’s part of what makes me, well, me. I want to see what I can’t see by feeling. Dreams help me do just that.

Dreams are a connection to something above ourselves. They are so powerful in telling us the visceral, the obstinate, and even the threshold of our pain. The definition says daydreams are voluntary, but I’d like to challenge that notion. What if they involuntarily arise in the form of flashbacks, and said flashbacks are an inevitable part of growth? What then do we do with the present, when the past is constantly lurking, waiting to be unfolded, unhatched, and dissected. How then do we patch the hole and complete the necessary framework to live in the present without holding back?

I have more questions than answers as to the power of the mind and all of its idiosyncrasies. It comes to me in fragments, as well as scattered, muddled moments in time. It feels like there are large portions of my life missing, all because I can’t put the puzzle pieces back together with my psyche in tact. It shakes me to my core that I may reach the end of my life without a single dream intact, all because I was jaded by the what-if’s and tricks my mind plays on me when I’m under duress.

Let’s come full circle for a moment and reflect on some of the other definitions. Dreamland can be a beautiful, charming, and excellent place after all, according to definition number four. It’s why so many have obsessed about the topic before our time. We can escape into its grasp without having to follow our conscious mind; however, it may take us to places we don’t want to face. The longer we avoid the problems of the day, the greater the struggle will be in dreamland. Some of it we can change, and others we can merely work on to lessen the blow of reality when we are awake.

If we fail to scratch the surface and see the frailty of our existence in our conscious life, our night visions will bring us right back to a place of destitution, solace, and conviction. No matter how many times we set the scene, our intuitive side will acquiesce and ascend our logical brain’s propensity to overthink. Our sheer existence makes our brains turn, simply because we cannot comprehend where we fit and how we got to this point. It’s a beauty in the blunder simulation; one that I’m quite well-versed in by now.

We are taught to deny ourselves, but what if the sum of that denial leads to greater pitfalls down the road? What are we to do when we look in the mirror, and we don’t even recognize ourselves? What happens when we disassociate our minds, spirits, and bodies into believing we are numb to all earthly experiences? The frustration mounts, yet the apathy keeps us from feeling our emotions and identifying their sources. So we continue to live in a comfortable, rhythmic progression of half-baked memories and broken realizations of a life we had once envisioned. Now our friendly flow state becomes enemy number one to our goals and dreams moving forward.

I could potentially philosophize about it all day, but I also am self-aware enough to know that the root of my restlessness can stem from unrealized goals and unfinished aspirations. If you think a writer doesn’t think of every possible scenario at all times, you are sorely mistaken. We are prepared for an emotional apocalypse with every breath we take. We are utterly fascinated yet overwhelmed by ideation 25/8. And the other portion of the time, we are creating scenarios in our head just to spice up the mundane parts of life.

My point is: Your dreams have meaning, both awake and asleep, and whether they are finished or merely particles waiting to take flight. Your life is waiting for you on either side of your consciousness. It’s arguably one of the most important parts of our development: To realize dreams and meet our needs. We tell children to dream big. Maybe it’s time we start capitalizing on that advice as adults. After all, the best kind of adults are the ones who conceptualize their dreams and keep them in their wheelhouse for realization later in life. Hang onto those visions for your life with the maturity of someone who has lived, yet the childhood imagination of possibility, and you are on your way to an aligned spirit and fruitful wellbeing.

The Inevitable Passage of Time

You’ll never get those times back, or so they say. It’s the feeling when you look back to love and forget how you started, but you vividly know how light you felt. It’s the freedom you once lived by, and now you crave its beckoning call more than anything else in the world. It used to all be so easy. The emotions were fleeting, but the sense of possibility was strong. We didn’t plague ourselves with thoughts of self doubt: it just was. We lived each day in the present without restriction. Oh how I miss those days. Or maybe they are still within us, but we fail to recognize their power pulling to unknown adventures. It’s exhilarating and frightening all at the same time; and that’s exactly what makes it worth the risk.

We can get exhausted day in day out doing the same things. It can all seem so shallow and repetitive. We have a longing to be more; feel more; do more. We look for inspiration in unlikely places, just hoping to make a dent somehow. The challenge lies within us, but it also lies within the landscape of our ability and our circumstances. Or so we tell ourselves. And to that I say, there’s no way an individual should limit themselves in any capacity. Time and time again, we’ve seen miracles and unexplainable things happen, yet we still question the validity of the inexplicable. We need reason and logic, but sometimes we just have to throw caution to the wind and dive into the throws of the unfamiliar. It feels good to let go and be without limits. Let yourself float.

We’re curious as to how it’s all going to play out in the grand scheme of things. It’s one of the best and worst parts of life. But we wouldn’t want to know the ending. No, that would be too easy and downright nefarious. When we look to the sky for the answers, we get zero judgment and endless possibility. We don’t have to listen to our minds telling us we can’t do it, because we have a God whose got us covered despite our own selves. That’s the beauty of saving grace, and I’ll take that over pure logic any day.

The real connections remain strong despite the passage of the years. We know the ones who are there for us, and the ones who were never meant to trek the whole journey by our side. For they are meant for their own personal journeys, and we were merely chapters in each other’s books. How wonderful is it to know that time is the best teller of truth? We can’t escape its paradigm shift to our purpose and sense of home. The chaos compliments the grace, as contradictory as it may seem. When we look to the abstract, we know in our heart how small we are and how large ideas are. And it throws us into its wondrous whirlwind of whimsy and construct without regard for fear or rejection. Because it is more immense than us. And we are intrinsically bigger than our own trepidation.

So where does this leave us now? We have all of these connections, and yet we feel like life moves in such a fluid, vapid way at times. How do we negate the fluff to get to the good, meaningful stuff? However we have to do it; whether it’s through music, walks, animals, people, or nature, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can break through the taciturn times with self-reflection and inner peace. We know we have limitless access to something much more powerful than ourselves, and that’s what keeps us moving in a more loving, present, affable way. And it turns out, it’s everything we need. No more, no less. All we need is Love: it transcends time and brings us to a place of unity once again.

Psalm 90:12 (ESV) “So teach us to number our days so that we may get a heart of wisdom.” ♥️

Renewing of Your Mind

There are some days when the demons want to come out from the corners and play. We are distracted from the truths in our lives, and we think it’s fine to live in a perpetual state of disillusionment. We walk the line of happy and sad; upset and mad. But what does the truth say? What can we take away from our failures in order to perpetuate goodness? I don’t know about you, but I want to live in the light. It weighs on my heart and soul, and I can’t escape its magnitude.

The feeling in my heart is unlike any other. I am home again in the weirdest way imaginable. My body is weak, but my heart and mind are stronger than ever. I cry through tears of mixed emotions and trials. I’ve met my match. And it feels terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I can’t see where it all will lead, and it thrills me like a ride at an amusement park. God knows my story, and He will not fail me nor forsake me. Of that, I am certain. Perhaps it’s the only thing I’m fully sure of at 29.

The memories flood my mind like a rush of bitter blues. I’ve forgiven but I haven’t forgotten – including things I’ve done to myself. How is it that it’s much easier to extend grace to others, yet it is within ourselves where we find our greatest darkness? I struggle with the sheer mischief of it all: why do we cause ourselves so much pain? We try to live a lawful life, yet our ornery side comes out like a kid in need of discipline. Maybe in the chaos is where we can find the calm after all.

We’re onto something bigger than ourselves when the future isn’t clear and we have to walk by faith. Maybe it’s the renewing of our minds that makes it all worth it in the end. We get scared of the real deal, as it is easier to cower in the corner than to actually get out and live in the light. But it’s there where we can grow and become who we are meant to be. The ground crumbles beneath us, but we will hold fast to the One who held us first. And that’s the most beautiful sentiment in the entire universe. We are present when we believe.

We find inspiration all around us: in the leaves, the trees, and even in the vast highways of unstretched land. We walk amongst nature as if it weren’t there all along, pulling us into its enigmatic presence and making us feel unworthy of such grace. It puts a smile to our faces to know we can sit amongst the sinners like ourselves and still be worthy of forgiveness. That’s the unpredictability of this life, but it’s also a foretold promise made to us by a Father who cares more than we will ever humanly know possible. It brings us to our knees and we know our lives aren’t yet finished. He will complete the good works within us.

There’s something very freeing about being open and honest about every single thought and emotion within ourselves in each moment. It’s in the stillness that we can finally feel alive and well. The feeling of dread passes, and we can function once again. We rely on others to help us at times – but what about helping ourselves? Shouldn’t this be at the forefront of our living? We don’t want to go back to reality, because that means the day-to-day will take its hold on us and make us feel inadequate and average once again. What if it didn’t have to be this way? Close your eyes and imagine the life you want to live. Pursue and pray on it with a vengeance and fervor.

I still don’t know where this life will lead. But I do know how much I want to embrace everything in it and not mask over the eloquent simplicities that abound us. Let it surround you and trust that God has a plan. Breathe in the air of the unknown and smile at the sheet irony of your own fragility. That’s when progress is fully made.

Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, planes to give you hope and a future.”

Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

fight {v flight}

this life is worth the fight

don’t take the easy way out

it’ll only make everyone sad

and you can’t risk others

hurt yourself but don’t hurt others

isn’t that the name of the game?

living to please others is tiresome

my spirit is weak and I’m in the trenches

but what if I want to give into the darkness?

what if this is it for my life and the plan?

it makes me frightful down to my core

and yet I truly do believe I’m not done yet

the time passed and I remain steadfast

to what I have no recollection anymore

do what you’re told they say

it’ll all fall into place I suppose

I don’t know what I can do for you

life stinks; get a helmet, kid

hang on tight for the fight of your life

do not falter or suffer the consequences

don’t allow yourself to take a back seat

this life is mean for the taking no matter the pain

it’s writhing and everlasting at times it seems

it twists and turns in its subversive way

makes me want to go back to a special time

when life was much easier and things were light

I tread heavily with my muddy shoes

they won’t be cleaned by my will alone

I need you, Lord, to show me the light

and get rid of all the doubt inside my mind

my heart wants to be set free and feel something

please allow me to feel the right things

if I can’t anymore, take me to a place that’s safe

because my nerves overtake me every time

don’t let them get the last word

I have nothing eloquent to say

only the plea of someone who’s hurting

take it away, as only you can

show me there is still good left in this life

Time

Sometimes I feel like I could drive my car forever. Where would it take me? I’m never going to be as young as I am right now in this moment. The thought permeates to my heart and awakens my spirit like a rip tide. It’s hard to overlook the bright lights ahead. I look to the side and see the sky beaming like a proud father. The rainbow strikes the clouds, and I suddenly feel safer than I’ve ever felt, as if the clouds could cover me up in all their wonder.

I let my imagination run away with me, as I tend to do. I won’t judge myself for it, because it means I’m alive. I feel the emotions of every person I’ve ever known in that car ride home. It only took one hour; but I felt as though I lived a lifetime at 28 years young. What did it mean to exude confidence in the Lord and be strong in my own resolve without too much force? I wasn’t quite sure yet, but I was about to find out.

It starts when we are young children. We are learning, and everything is new and fresh. A simple bath is a safari to the unknown with toys in tow, and a small dinner means dinosaurs are traveling among the earth. The ketchup is a volcano, and they have to escape the plummet of the blood red dipping sauce. When we are young, we know no bounds to our own self and how far we can go. And it’s beautiful beyond words can describe.

I sit in my dreamlike state, and I can’t wait to go to bed so I can wake up inside. As counterintuitive as it may seem, my dreams take me further than any tangible thing, whether I’m asleep or awake. The only thing standing in the way of my dreams is one singular belief in myself. Either I will make it happen or I won’t, and there’s comfort in the realism of that statement. Today, my head’s in the clouds and my feet are on the ground. I guess all is as it’s intended to be {for now}.

The darkness surrounds again, but this time, I am strangely calm. I can’t let time hinder my grit and passion. I won’t let the passage of the clock perturb me with its mysterious way of making a day feel like a year, and a year feel like a day. Ten years ago seems like yesterday, but ten days ago was a different lifetime. We know no real passage of time: only the courage and strength to believe we are made for more. It’s wonderful to breathe deeply and feel everything around me. And tonight in my dreams I will let my mind run feral. When I wake up, I will do it again. But this go around, I will be older and wiser, because I will never be younger than I am right now.

Maybe this life is one giant lesson that’s meant for the clouds. I have to wonder how vast it is; how meaningful the clouds can be when they wrap their arms around me. The despair dissipates, and I believe in love yet again. The musical lyrics cut me like a knife, and yet I take heart in their truth. I anxiously push away the thoughts just as fast as I invite them back in again. Because I’m a hopeless romantic, and I know even my own logic cannot fight this. It’s strong, but my heart is stronger. Time is on my side for tonight. Tomorrow I will take heart because I believe in it. And that’s enough for me at 28.

The Abyss

I want something that’s more than a fear response. There’s a hole in my heart that bleeds onto everyone I come in contact with. The music flows through me, and it leaves me feeling energized and sad at the same time. I’ve wasted too much of this life being unsure of myself. And I fully realize the passage of time now ceases to impress me. Be still my heart in the dead of the night. Calm my fears and give me love when I need it most. I pretend I don’t, but please don’t let me fabricate my needs anymore.

Distracted by the background noise: wear the clothes, color the hair, stay in your lane. Be educated and smart, and do not falter in your decisions. The past comes back to be your friend, but only until it can desecrate all that is holy in its tracks. The pattern repeats itself, and I am back in my bed wondering what happened. How did I allow childhood’s grip on me make me yearn for its exact delinquency? Do not worry is the mantra; surviving the day is the choice. Our friends gaze upon our depression, and they know how much we long for home. Oh, how I wish I could go home. Nothing makes me feel, and yet everything reeks of the tightness of loss.

I think about previous encounters, and all the times I failed to express my true heart. It was confused by a need to win against my own restless rebellion. The lessons learned are not lost on me, but I would make them again if it meant it brought me to peaceful sleep. The angst inside doesn’t take a breather, but my faith sure knows how to take a hit. They say if you feel far away to draw closer. Does this mean we reel in before, during or after the mistakes? I need a guidebook, because clearly the concept is lost on ears that would rather walk five miles by itself but not take one second to breathe and be at one.

Sitting in the room and looking at all the familiar faces. I’ve met them all before in people I’ve known. One reminds me of my brother; another resembles a girl I used to know. But they all want one thing: affection. Lonely hearts know how to speak about pertinent subjects to heartache and isolation. They profess they don’t want it; it’s all a fallacy. The honest hearts battle for a feeling beyond fear responses. I’ll take my chance at the unknown; it will only cost me my sanity. It’s just the timing, I say. But I know the truth, and it cuts me in twelve pieces, like a charcuterie board paired with wine. Oh how I love wine. And yet I detest it, because it means I’m relying on chemicals to make me feel alive. What a way to die. Who knew living could cost everything?

The gentleman to my left sits in misery, and his fuse grows smaller by the minute. When he talks, it drips of solitude and desolation. He’s not truly happy unless he’s chasing the next high or controlling the situation at hand. Oh, how I wish he could be free and no longer at battle. I long for him to laugh again and be painless for more than a moment. The love for another goes beyond the depth of the sea, but we don’t say what we need to say because of selfish pride. The poems of old grip at our bleeding hearts, but we can’t relate because we are jaded and tortured. I knew him by name, and now he’s nothing more than a memory. The vanity of the now makes me want to throw up in my new clothes just to prove a point. If I’m partaking, I must be enjoying myself. That’s what I tell everyone else. My conscious tells me different, but it’s not glorified enough in our culture to matter.

Judge based on weight, clothing, actions, you name it. If it’s contradictory to me, I don’t want it. To that I say, you can go f*** yourself. I myself am a walking contradiction, and I mutter under my breath because it’s just that ridiculous. Why does it matter? Why is this a thing? Individuality is thee single most beautiful thing in the world, because it happens naturally without coercion.

Without individuality, artists wouldn’t be able to do their work, and freestyle would cease to exist. I come to, and the picture of front of me brings me peace once again, because it was orchestrated by an individual who had a voice. I have a voice, and I can choose what to do with it. There is no wrong path, unless I’m harming myself and others; then it’s time to regroup. I put on my shoes and realize the soles are worn down. Their tattered insides are a direct reflection of my broken heart. I love to make the connection and thrive on ascertaining the game plan. Let’s draw up our slow fade in a visual so we can be considered thoughtful until the story’s end.

I don’t know what I want my legacy to be yet, but I sure know that many don’t live long enough to find out theirs. And the thought frightens me. If I only had today, what would I do with it? Would I know something is coming, or would I simply go on my merry way due to youthful ignorance? I do believe I would get to come home, but as much as I talk about it, home seems like a faraway notion, and I like it that way. In the dead of the night, I reflect on the meaning of going home; of loved ones lost. I believe they are here, but my human desires betray me. I want them in the flesh. But they are the lucky ones. The salt of my tears is not enough to bring them back, as it should be. But the empty feeling can only be subsided by abysmal prayer and weak cries. It’s a start.

Thank you for giving me this gift of reflection. I don’t know where I start and you begin, but I know you are gracious beyond all measure. And today, that’s enough to calm my racing heart. Until the next day, when I have to learn it all over again. I want to, because the reckoning is wondrous submission. It means I get to fly and devote myself freely. I get to play with my dog, watch my nieces, and even get up and exercise for your glory. It may not be glamorous, but it’s breathtaking in its pure simplicity. The bed feels softer now, and I can go back to sleep. I will not be anxious or sad, because I know you have me covered. The realization is unfathomable, just as it was the day before. But I was younger then, and now I have yesterday’s wisdom. And that’s a gift worth sharing.

More

This life can be painful. We have to close our eyes to see. Devoid of color; struck by the black and white. Creativity falls on deaf ears as the masses continue to flee genuine interaction. We cry for the time lost, but we feel compelled to move forward in a formidable manner. We lose our train of thought easily because we can’t rest. We can’t feel or breathe. The outside influences ring in our ear, creating a whirlwind of circumstantial ignorance. Our actions fall under scrutiny. We are on our tiptoes, just waiting to reach the bottom. And when we do, we feel the impact of the ripple effect. The flowers bloom between the cracks of the earth. We are home.

The minutiae of every day life hits us. We’ve wasted all this time comparing and contrasting our lives. “That’s the way it’s always been because we don’t want to change.” And to that I say: live in fear and suffer, or adjust your sails. Ours soul are starving for truth, and we feed them with vapid conversations. We justify ourselves by saying we can’t do better. But in actuality, our version of better is skewed by monotonous duties. The mind is a powerful entity that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Its ability to proactively decipher truth is astounding. Light up the world with just one candle. Darken the earth with just one hurtful word. It’s up to us.

If we don’t feel equipped to handle the sacrifice necessary to spread the light, then we are in the majority. Curiosity propels our invincibility, until something strikes our delicate balance and we are coerced into blindness once more. Most won’t claim to understand the struggle. But the tinge of reality is never far behind the facade we mask ourselves with each day. Look into someone’s eyes freely and deeply and you will see it. The sad twist that is the inner-working of our human condition. We told ourselves wouldn’t bring it up again, but changing our stripes isn’t our specialty.

It scares us to think we may live and die without palpable passion. We won’t let it happen. Or so we tell ourselves. We come to, and we’re older but still the same people. Childlike faith and adult reservation is the name of the game. And we’ve played it for a long time. Some have lost the chess match of our intimacies. Others have perished trying to get us to be who we are not. The rest is unclear. And the thrill is exhilarating and exciting. The end of this life seems so far off in the distance. But we can look at the stars and know how small we are. That’s the sheer beauty of this life: to be so utterly vulnerable it terrifies us into something more. We are more than us. We can be whole.

family ties

they don’t know how many tears we’ve cried

because of how many times they’ve lied

they are salty on our lips again

the hurt continues past what we can defend

we wish they knew how much it cut deep

we lie on the floor in an absolute heap

these worlds we live in are cruel

even when it’s our family in a duel

maybe we can relate to all of the pain

the thing we have to always contain

we don’t know who we are without strife

the anguish cuts like a sharp knife

but when it’s dull as the night

we don’t even have the urge to fight

then it comes out of nowhere

off into the distance we stare

the feeling subsides and we’re back

they tell us we are getting off track

but they don’t see our daily struggle

it’s been awhile since they’ve held the muzzle

keep drinking the juice of complacency

they guarantee we’ll continue the legacy

the ties of family are strong

but what if it all feels so wrong?

where do we go when we are faced with us?

beyond the facades; the gossip; the lust

they have no clue how we feel about them

they think we’re mysterious; death is a stem

tired of hiding behind who we are not

when the mask used to never be a thought

the time of life when it’s wrought with pride

how do we know who we can confide?

we are “fine” until the next breakdown

around people we smile; when alone we frown

they tell us to get better & stop being dramatic

little do they know, they’re the drama addict