Searching for Inspiration During a Milestone

As I write this, I’m sitting near my sleepy dog with Hillsong worship music on, a weathered Bible on my lap, a movie on mute in the background, and a restless soul. The last few months have been a whirlwind, but I know they’ve been so worth it. I’m incredibly thankful and blessed to have experienced them.

I just turned 30 last week, and it’s been a bit surreal for me. I’m realizing the brevity of this life, and I’m determined to not waste it. Many emotions ran through my head as I celebrated a milestone of life: some good, some insecure, some exciting, and some unexpected. It brought me to tears to see friends and family for my surprise party, especially after the year we have had. I know one thing’s for sure: I’m so much better when I’m around the people who I care about and love deeply.

I’ve learned over the past twelve months to accept where I’m at and take it as it comes. Some things have been harder to accept than others, but I know that’s where the most growth happens. I’ve been extremely uncomfortable in some situations I’ve faced, but I believe God has been teaching me to be even more patient and to lead with love.

The more I think about myself, the less I become like Jesus. The more I think about others and love deeply, the more grounded I feel. I’ve become accustomed to having quite a bit of alone time now, and it hasn’t been the most natural process for me. Sure, I do like to recharge after a lot of stimulation, but this was a different feeling. It was a sense of stillness that I had to face with courage, even when I didn’t feel like being strong. In fact, many times, I felt quite the opposite.

After being a self-proclaimed people-person for many years, all of a sudden I felt alone. I know what you’re thinking: we are never truly isolated and God is with us. I think that, too, especially when I’m simultaneously tapping into my sense of logic and my heart. But to feel His presence is something else entirely. I’ll admit there were times that I wasn’t sure why I felt so empty. I felt ashamed, nervous, anxious, and a bit lost if I’m being honest. It was a visceral experience.

Everyone seemed to be moving on with their lives in an effortless fashion, yet here I sat in my apartment with nothing but music and a haunted heart. I was determined to break the cycle, so I turned to the gym and to keeping as busy as I possibly could. But soon enough, even that ran its course, and I was again forced to face what I was really feeling. It was a notion that I was somehow behind in this life just because I didn’t have certain things. I think that thought does naturally come when you hit a certain age and you may not feel like you’re where you need to be.

I’ve had to dig my heels in and really get in touch with my thoughts and emotions: the good, the bad, and the disorienting. But I’m so incredibly thankful that I do have such an insurmountable support system. To say I’m beyond blessed is a complete understatement.

Tell people how you feel about them. Don’t let another day go by without someone knowing just how much you love them. I know I don’t want to squander a day of this life hesitating or wondering what if anymore. I just want to live a life filled with love, support, courage, fullness, and strength.

Remember what you prayed for and cherish it in the moment. Even if you aren’t where you want to be, there’s a reason you’re in the position you are in now. In your heart of hearts, you know God puts you right where you need to be in order to prosper you. Don’t get distracted by the things that don’t matter. Be about the things that give you wisdom and hope.

I’m incredibly blessed that God said, “Not yet,” to the things I thought I wanted. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I tried to take control instead of Him. It’s never ended up very well for me, so I’m instead trusting that He has the drivers seat.

Prayer is the best form of love, so I’m continuing to pray for those seeds in my heart to come to fruition. I truly believe in that God’s time they will. I’m inspired by those around me, and I’ll always aspire to be a positive light in their lives. I’ll continue to pray for my friends and family who struggle with things that they don’t talk about. If it means I can help, then I will do it. They are the people who keep me going. After all, good relationships take reciprocity, hard work, and above all, love.

Thank you, God, for turning my hurts into strengths and my shortcomings into areas of opportunity. I’m so grateful that I was able to experience another decade of life with the family and friends who encourage me and make it so beautiful. Cheers to 30. Let’s take this on together.

The Power of Vulnerability

It’s the visceral feeling of being alive and well, but not being well and alive. Sometimes life throws things at you that you weren’t expecting, but it’s truly in the darkest places you can experience the light. At least that’s what I’ve told myself in order to feel better in those dark moments I’ve felt. However, in my 29 years on this earth, I can honestly say I’ve never felt so out of place in my own life the past year. I know there are many others who can relate.

I’ve tried my hand at many different interpersonal relationships, places, environments, and life changes. If I told you I felt super courageous all the time, I’d be lying through my teeth. But it feels good to let the truth be free, as it should be. It’s not about me I tell myself, and with every fiber of my being I know it to be absolutely true. Sometimes, however, it’s really nice to have a win when you’ve been out of your element for so long.

As I write this, I reflect on the times I’ve felt alone and taciturn in the past year. I don’t write it out of sympathy, but rather, more of an admittance to myself. I’ve always thought I had to be the life of the party or had to put the focus onto others all the time, but I’ve realized it’s been more about escaping my own issues. So that’s when no one knows what I’m struggling with, because I can’t even process it myself. It’s made me mentally and physically exhausted more times than I can count, and I want to break the cycle.

Some people are uncomfortable talking about mental health, and trust me, I’ve been one of those people before. Even though I’ve been at a loss more times than I can count, I can’t help but also be thankful for what the past year has brought to me growth-wise. Sure, as I alluded to earlier, I’ve been sad and lonely, as many of us have. And there have honestly been many moments where I have questioned my entire existence and why I’m even here or what my purpose is. But to say the instances of self-searching were a waste would be a gross understatement and completely false.

Maybe the last year hasn’t been as kind to you as you thought it would be. It’s okay to feel like your baby steps are even slower than you initially intended them to be. Grace is always allowed, especially when the world seems to be consumed by negativity and chaos. My hope and prayer is that this new year will be a turning point for many. I hope this year means more self-reflection, depth of mind, renewal of your faith, and advancement in all of the things that truly matter to you. As we know, this life is short and precious. Please don’t waste it on the opinions of others. Keep the faith and find your treasure in the moments of love, compassion, wisdom, and strength.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV), “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Writer’s Block Because 2020 Means Pure Survival Mode

2020 has been a whirlwind, to say the least. We’ve all experienced things we never even dreamed of encountering until now. People are getting sick and dying due to an unprecedented virus, political chaos is all around, depression & anxiety are skyrocketing, & everyone feels utterly alone and maybe even lost. We have no sense of normalcy; even down to the simple work day. I have a heavy feeling in my heart when I think of all the ways this year has impacted us. The good news is, we are not alone in how we feel. Life is still moving fast around us, but we are more resilient than we lead ourselves to believe.

No one talks about the thoughts that can linger when you are alone for quite some time. If you’re anything like me, your brain can go on overload very quickly. The thoughts aren’t always pleasant, and we certainly don’t have the normal distractions to get us through it. But maybe this is part of the test: to get so in touch with ourselves that we come out of this stronger and mightier. I know I’ve had my own personal fair share of challenges, both internal and external. I turn on the news or look on social media, and everything is hateful, flagrant, or emotionally emptying by nature. Then I try to stay busy, only to feel even more saddened by the day-to-day monotony of lonesomeness and tediousness. There has to be a better way, I tell myself. And then I wake up and do it all over again.

I haven’t felt the most positive lately, & I will be the first to admit that. However, I do believe everything has a purpose and what we do each day matters. We are here for a reason, pandemic or not. Maybe you’ve been feeling weighed down by the isolation like I have. We as humans are not meant to be islands – it’s not in our DNA. Yes, I’m even talking to the introverts here. We all need that connection and feeling of love to get us through the days. Where do you find your sense of love, belonging, and happiness? Perhaps it’s in the pages of a good book or journal. Or maybe your find solace in establishing a good gym routine and getting fit during Rona. Whatever it is, find your happy place and stick to it. But on the same token, don’t be afraid to change it up when you absolutely need it. Some days you need people, and other days you need alone time with God. Find the beauty in the darkest places, and you can sit comfortably with the negative emotions you may have been experiencing during this time.

I’ve had writer’s block the last few months, and usually I need to blog in order to verbally process what life has brought to my doorstep. I could have never imagined that I would be in this position personally and professionally, but I’m thankful for the opportunities it brings. I’m still hopeful for the future, and I still want to cherish each moment of my life. The tests this year has presented have made me all the more thankful for a rock solid foundation and support system of wonderful humans who care. No matter what the reality of life brings us, love is still an intangible measurement of strength, courage, connection, and conviction. And I know we will come out on the other side with a fresh perspective and renewed blessings.

What I’m trying to say is: you are not alone or empty. You are loved beyond measure. There is still hope for you, even if it feels hopeless right now. I understand the feeling wholeheartedly, and I know there are so many that do, whether they verbally express it or not. Whatever you are most afraid to do usually ends up being your greatest strength; the hardest part is getting started. Stay true to who you are no matter what life throws at you, and have faith that God knows what he’s doing. Yes, it doesn’t seem fair. Most of the time, it’s really not from an outsider’s perspective. God is giving us the tests now so that we can have endurance for the race set before us. You are enough, and you have always been enough. Remember His words when you are struggling, or reach out to someone who makes you feel less alone and more wholly you when you are around them. You’ve got this.

The Inevitable Passage of Time

You’ll never get those times back, or so they say. It’s the feeling when you look back to love and forget how you started, but you vividly know how light you felt. It’s the freedom you once lived by, and now you crave its beckoning call more than anything else in the world. It used to all be so easy. The emotions were fleeting, but the sense of possibility was strong. We didn’t plague ourselves with thoughts of self doubt: it just was. We lived each day in the present without restriction. Oh how I miss those days. Or maybe they are still within us, but we fail to recognize their power pulling to unknown adventures. It’s exhilarating and frightening all at the same time; and that’s exactly what makes it worth the risk.

We can get exhausted day in day out doing the same things. It can all seem so shallow and repetitive. We have a longing to be more; feel more; do more. We look for inspiration in unlikely places, just hoping to make a dent somehow. The challenge lies within us, but it also lies within the landscape of our ability and our circumstances. Or so we tell ourselves. And to that I say, there’s no way an individual should limit themselves in any capacity. Time and time again, we’ve seen miracles and unexplainable things happen, yet we still question the validity of the inexplicable. We need reason and logic, but sometimes we just have to throw caution to the wind and dive into the throws of the unfamiliar. It feels good to let go and be without limits. Let yourself float.

We’re curious as to how it’s all going to play out in the grand scheme of things. It’s one of the best and worst parts of life. But we wouldn’t want to know the ending. No, that would be too easy and downright nefarious. When we look to the sky for the answers, we get zero judgment and endless possibility. We don’t have to listen to our minds telling us we can’t do it, because we have a God whose got us covered despite our own selves. That’s the beauty of saving grace, and I’ll take that over pure logic any day.

The real connections remain strong despite the passage of the years. We know the ones who are there for us, and the ones who were never meant to trek the whole journey by our side. For they are meant for their own personal journeys, and we were merely chapters in each other’s books. How wonderful is it to know that time is the best teller of truth? We can’t escape its paradigm shift to our purpose and sense of home. The chaos compliments the grace, as contradictory as it may seem. When we look to the abstract, we know in our heart how small we are and how large ideas are. And it throws us into its wondrous whirlwind of whimsy and construct without regard for fear or rejection. Because it is more immense than us. And we are intrinsically bigger than our own trepidation.

So where does this leave us now? We have all of these connections, and yet we feel like life moves in such a fluid, vapid way at times. How do we negate the fluff to get to the good, meaningful stuff? However we have to do it; whether it’s through music, walks, animals, people, or nature, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can break through the taciturn times with self-reflection and inner peace. We know we have limitless access to something much more powerful than ourselves, and that’s what keeps us moving in a more loving, present, affable way. And it turns out, it’s everything we need. No more, no less. All we need is Love: it transcends time and brings us to a place of unity once again.

Psalm 90:12 (ESV) “So teach us to number our days so that we may get a heart of wisdom.” ♥️

As of Late

I’m torn between a good time and a fine line. I close my eyes and see clarity; but in the day to day, I feel constricted. The wine hits my lips and the music fills the silence. Another day has passed without a single thing happening at all. And yet, time is passing quickly with each waking moment. I open my eyes again, and it feels like two years have passed. It’s as if I was asleep the entire time, only to be awoken by the sting of reality.

We take solace in the words on the page, but what about the twisting of our fate? Does that not also have validity in the quiet moments? Relax, rustle, relax, rustle, repeat. I’m nauseated at the thought of living a single moment without purpose, and yet it evades me when I complete another menial task. I have to ask the question: am I living my fullest life, or I am living to meet the expectations of those who need help? Perhaps they are one in the same. Those that need help have the greatest priority, but what if my cup is also empty? I shudder at the thought, because I know how true it’s been in my life. I take a step back and realize how important health, love, and relationships become. They fill the emptiness with a vengeance. I feel home again, but it’s not without its headaches and stomach twists.

I’m unsure if anyone will understand my internal dilemma, so most of the time I keep it to myself. Until, of course, the void opens and the emotions come flooding. I smile at the thought of the ridiculousness of my own mind, and yet I choose to stay guarded. It’s easier than being made light of in the darkest moments that fill my heart. The memories come back to me; some good, some daunting. I no longer know what’s real and what’s not. The light switch is off, and I get antsy at the thought of being alone in my own thoughts again. But I know this is where I can grow in my relationship with Christ, as it tests my perseverance and calms my anxious soul.

I’m told we can somehow drown out the noise – but I’m not so sure that’s an actual thing. The discomfort I feel is nothing compared to the joy that’s coming, of that I am certain. Perhaps I’ve always perpetuated my own pain like a vicious cycle of uninformed decisions. Then I overthink it to death until there’s nothing left but a skeleton of what once was. Maybe we are all shadows of our previous selves. Life knocks us down, but we certainly don’t have to stay there. It builds our patience and opens our bolted doors. Suddenly, we are free to be who we are meant to be. And that’s the most beautiful sentiment of all.

I worry someday I won’t have the wherewithal to type sentences on a page. But then I reflect on how much I need His presence, and I feel peace once again. To be whole in the present is a superpower I’m still trying to master. I’m a work in progress, just as God intended it to be. So I’ll put my faith in the feeling of God’s eternal love and grace. The rest is merely futuristic and purely an idea at this point. I’ll choose joy in the quiet, calm, chaotic, miraculous still frames of my life. Not because I am called to, but because of God’s love pulling me back in when I am lead astray. The polarity grips me once again, and I can pray through the discomfort and fear. He has control, and that’s all I need to hear.

Renewing of Your Mind

There are some days when the demons want to come out from the corners and play. We are distracted from the truths in our lives, and we think it’s fine to live in a perpetual state of disillusionment. We walk the line of happy and sad; upset and mad. But what does the truth say? What can we take away from our failures in order to perpetuate goodness? I don’t know about you, but I want to live in the light. It weighs on my heart and soul, and I can’t escape its magnitude.

The feeling in my heart is unlike any other. I am home again in the weirdest way imaginable. My body is weak, but my heart and mind are stronger than ever. I cry through tears of mixed emotions and trials. I’ve met my match. And it feels terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I can’t see where it all will lead, and it thrills me like a ride at an amusement park. God knows my story, and He will not fail me nor forsake me. Of that, I am certain. Perhaps it’s the only thing I’m fully sure of at 29.

The memories flood my mind like a rush of bitter blues. I’ve forgiven but I haven’t forgotten – including things I’ve done to myself. How is it that it’s much easier to extend grace to others, yet it is within ourselves where we find our greatest darkness? I struggle with the sheer mischief of it all: why do we cause ourselves so much pain? We try to live a lawful life, yet our ornery side comes out like a kid in need of discipline. Maybe in the chaos is where we can find the calm after all.

We’re onto something bigger than ourselves when the future isn’t clear and we have to walk by faith. Maybe it’s the renewing of our minds that makes it all worth it in the end. We get scared of the real deal, as it is easier to cower in the corner than to actually get out and live in the light. But it’s there where we can grow and become who we are meant to be. The ground crumbles beneath us, but we will hold fast to the One who held us first. And that’s the most beautiful sentiment in the entire universe. We are present when we believe.

We find inspiration all around us: in the leaves, the trees, and even in the vast highways of unstretched land. We walk amongst nature as if it weren’t there all along, pulling us into its enigmatic presence and making us feel unworthy of such grace. It puts a smile to our faces to know we can sit amongst the sinners like ourselves and still be worthy of forgiveness. That’s the unpredictability of this life, but it’s also a foretold promise made to us by a Father who cares more than we will ever humanly know possible. It brings us to our knees and we know our lives aren’t yet finished. He will complete the good works within us.

There’s something very freeing about being open and honest about every single thought and emotion within ourselves in each moment. It’s in the stillness that we can finally feel alive and well. The feeling of dread passes, and we can function once again. We rely on others to help us at times – but what about helping ourselves? Shouldn’t this be at the forefront of our living? We don’t want to go back to reality, because that means the day-to-day will take its hold on us and make us feel inadequate and average once again. What if it didn’t have to be this way? Close your eyes and imagine the life you want to live. Pursue and pray on it with a vengeance and fervor.

I still don’t know where this life will lead. But I do know how much I want to embrace everything in it and not mask over the eloquent simplicities that abound us. Let it surround you and trust that God has a plan. Breathe in the air of the unknown and smile at the sheet irony of your own fragility. That’s when progress is fully made.

Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, planes to give you hope and a future.”

Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

The Rise and Fall

We weren’t always like this

Just trying to exist

We have real emotions

Despite all our selfish notions

Call it a form of therapy

Just let us be happy and free

Our words cut like a knife

Must we always be in personal strife?

We just need a change of pace

Until we can win the race

Take our lustrous desires

We don’t want the forest fires

What we need is revival

Instead of hopeless denial

Our hope is not seen

Because we couldn’t be so keen

As to show any weakness

God forbid they see us

We feel panicked so we pace

Until we turn into a space case

Can’t sit still for more than a day

Otherwise the Devil will have his way

And to that we say hell with it all

If he wants to take us with us we will fall

But we know this tumble is long

And we don’t feel the least bit strong

I’m a hurry to get to the next phase

So we can usher in more false praise

Keep the panicked state of mind going

So we don’t have to keep growing

It’s better than despair

We are in a constant state of repair

We tell ourselves tomorrow will be better

But what if tomorrow is just a scarlet letter?

Do it now and hold yourself high

The day is here to go into the sky

No matter the day or night

At any moment we could take flight

It’s up to us if we want to soar or plummet

The day is gone and we must go to summit

We must choose to be better than the dark

Into the unknown, we must embark

fight {v flight}

this life is worth the fight

don’t take the easy way out

it’ll only make everyone sad

and you can’t risk others

hurt yourself but don’t hurt others

isn’t that the name of the game?

living to please others is tiresome

my spirit is weak and I’m in the trenches

but what if I want to give into the darkness?

what if this is it for my life and the plan?

it makes me frightful down to my core

and yet I truly do believe I’m not done yet

the time passed and I remain steadfast

to what I have no recollection anymore

do what you’re told they say

it’ll all fall into place I suppose

I don’t know what I can do for you

life stinks; get a helmet, kid

hang on tight for the fight of your life

do not falter or suffer the consequences

don’t allow yourself to take a back seat

this life is mean for the taking no matter the pain

it’s writhing and everlasting at times it seems

it twists and turns in its subversive way

makes me want to go back to a special time

when life was much easier and things were light

I tread heavily with my muddy shoes

they won’t be cleaned by my will alone

I need you, Lord, to show me the light

and get rid of all the doubt inside my mind

my heart wants to be set free and feel something

please allow me to feel the right things

if I can’t anymore, take me to a place that’s safe

because my nerves overtake me every time

don’t let them get the last word

I have nothing eloquent to say

only the plea of someone who’s hurting

take it away, as only you can

show me there is still good left in this life

The Darkest Side of Love

I had one true love and I lost it

And it’s not the one you’re thinking

But it doesn’t matter now

It’s been so long without it

I never told you how much I hated myself

For letting you go the way I did that day

The inside of my stomach turns

I’ve panicked so many times it’s hard to track

Maybe I had my time and now it’s gone

Perhaps I’ve tried to rush so many things

I didn’t see what was right in front of me

I can only dream of the life I don’t have

And look from afar at the possibilities

I can’t focus on what wasn’t or what is

But it doesn’t stop me from crying

Sadness overwhelms me time and time again

I can’t explain why I feel nothing yet everything

It feels like I don’t belong here

I try to idealize all the things I want

But then I realize I already lived that life

I threw it away as if it was nothing

To me, it was something; it was everything

Too damaged to trust my own judgment

But I still won’t give up the hope

That love will find me in my stupor

And accept me for who I am, darkness and all

I can’t cry anymore over people

All I feel is emptiness because of it

I can tear it all down with just a few words

And bring the world with me in my anger

The day doesn’t come to me

I look from the dark hole and see nothing

Fade to black as they say

Every day I just want to fade to black

But I smile in the presence of others

It’s all so real and it brings me to my knees

Say what you want about stereotypes

But I’ll tell you that no one knows anything

I’m so far removed from that happy time

When life made sense and everything was new

Now I sit with a vice grip on my neck

Every time I try to move I feel further away

The light fades into the distance again

I’m here in my circle with my misery

No one to feel sorry; I wouldn’t want them to

Because I have too much pride

I’m too broken to be fixed it seems

But I’ve dug my own grave and it’s peaceful

It’s lonely and dark and somehow mysterious

And all the issues I’ve had bubble up inside

Who am I now? Who do I hope to be?

I’m not the girl I used to know, or maybe she’s here

She needs to come back to life pronto

Because there is work to be done

And there is precious time to spend with love

I don’t know how to make the panic stop

But I do know it’s false and real all at once

The devil speaks to me constantly

Trying to grip at my bruised and battered soul

I couldn’t properly express myself to you

And for that I’ll never quite be just right

I would like to say I’m content with what is

But I know deep down nothing will ever matter

Because everything is topsy turvy and sullen

And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it

But my tears mean nothing without work

Right now I’m tired and need to lie down

But I won’t because my mind keeps me going

My heart gets drug along with it begrudgingly

I hope there’s hope and good still

Because right now I could use the light

Creativity is the best cure to depression

I just hope it brings me back to a better version of me

Time

Sometimes I feel like I could drive my car forever. Where would it take me? I’m never going to be as young as I am right now in this moment. The thought permeates to my heart and awakens my spirit like a rip tide. It’s hard to overlook the bright lights ahead. I look to the side and see the sky beaming like a proud father. The rainbow strikes the clouds, and I suddenly feel safer than I’ve ever felt, as if the clouds could cover me up in all their wonder.

I let my imagination run away with me, as I tend to do. I won’t judge myself for it, because it means I’m alive. I feel the emotions of every person I’ve ever known in that car ride home. It only took one hour; but I felt as though I lived a lifetime at 28 years young. What did it mean to exude confidence in the Lord and be strong in my own resolve without too much force? I wasn’t quite sure yet, but I was about to find out.

It starts when we are young children. We are learning, and everything is new and fresh. A simple bath is a safari to the unknown with toys in tow, and a small dinner means dinosaurs are traveling among the earth. The ketchup is a volcano, and they have to escape the plummet of the blood red dipping sauce. When we are young, we know no bounds to our own self and how far we can go. And it’s beautiful beyond words can describe.

I sit in my dreamlike state, and I can’t wait to go to bed so I can wake up inside. As counterintuitive as it may seem, my dreams take me further than any tangible thing, whether I’m asleep or awake. The only thing standing in the way of my dreams is one singular belief in myself. Either I will make it happen or I won’t, and there’s comfort in the realism of that statement. Today, my head’s in the clouds and my feet are on the ground. I guess all is as it’s intended to be {for now}.

The darkness surrounds again, but this time, I am strangely calm. I can’t let time hinder my grit and passion. I won’t let the passage of the clock perturb me with its mysterious way of making a day feel like a year, and a year feel like a day. Ten years ago seems like yesterday, but ten days ago was a different lifetime. We know no real passage of time: only the courage and strength to believe we are made for more. It’s wonderful to breathe deeply and feel everything around me. And tonight in my dreams I will let my mind run feral. When I wake up, I will do it again. But this go around, I will be older and wiser, because I will never be younger than I am right now.

Maybe this life is one giant lesson that’s meant for the clouds. I have to wonder how vast it is; how meaningful the clouds can be when they wrap their arms around me. The despair dissipates, and I believe in love yet again. The musical lyrics cut me like a knife, and yet I take heart in their truth. I anxiously push away the thoughts just as fast as I invite them back in again. Because I’m a hopeless romantic, and I know even my own logic cannot fight this. It’s strong, but my heart is stronger. Time is on my side for tonight. Tomorrow I will take heart because I believe in it. And that’s enough for me at 28.