Free Fall

Let your mind roam

Go to a place you don’t normally go

Feel the wind at your back

When your mind is under attack

Do not fear the unbelief

Someday soon you will feel relief

Go into the zone of the unknown

See what needs to be shown

Don’t let the demons win

They mess with your head until you spin

You know in your heart who you are

Even if it all seems so far

At the end of the day it’s about love

Even if you can’t feel it above

The days are long but the years are short

Time is a continuum we seem to transport

If you’re feeling inferior, it’s okay

God has you covered when feeling dismay

Remember the times He had your back

Especially when things seemed to lack

He had you then, and He has you now

So get up and wipe your brow

The time is here to be whole again

It will all come back times ten

Don’t let the hate drive you away

Lay down in love and choose to stay

Don’t obsess about the details

Just relax and feel your pulse

You’re alive and well, and that’s a blessing

Yet here you are, sitting here stressing

Love is a choice we make every day

So choose the path of His loving way

Life’s Ebbs & Flows: A Focus on Thankfulness Amidst the Struggle

Love the life you live, or so they say. We’ve heard it over and over again that you have one life to live, so you better embrace it. Full disclosure and complete honesty: Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t be bothered to be overly happy. I know what you’re thinking — this sounds so ungrateful. Believe me, I hear it too when the words come out of my mouth. I pray on it, think on it, and I even journal about it. But sometimes this gritty, low feeling rocks me to my core, regardless of what good has come. The depression comes on, and I have to fight it tooth and nail.

This counterintuitive, misguided feeling has led me down some unfavorable roads at times, but it’s also taught me the most lessons in life. I never want to lose my voice in the midst of chaos, just for the sake of conforming to societal pressures. Light comes from darkness, and I try to remind myself of the warmth in my life when I’m feeling especially blue. It really is true — you can have everything you have ever wanted at your fingertips, but life can still bring you to a place of emptiness with its menial chores and seemingly limitless laundry list of pleasantries. When you’re feeling downright shitty, the last thing you want to do is smile and continue the grind.

So you’re essentially faced with 3 options. Option 1: Continue on despite the fact that you’re dead inside. * insert Michael Scott quote here. * Option 2: Completely shut down, sabotage yourself, and turn to things that still won’t fill your cup. Option 3: Take a break, practice self-care, journal, and get it out however you need to. I don’t know about you, but I’ve chosen a different one each time I’ve faced a challenge, and only the third one has actually brought me peace.

In life, we are taught to lead with our head instead of our heart, but I’d argue that both have equal value. Sometimes my feelings and heart feel frail, but my mind is sharp as a tack. Other days my heart is full, while it’s my mind that struggles. Lately, it seems, the balance of the two has evaded me. Between wedding planning, a new work role, endless workouts, and work from home burnout, there have been many times where I’ve wanted to curl up in a ball and say I cannot do this.

The extroverted part of me wants to talk to everyone every moment of every day, while the introverted, shy part of me wants to stay with my blanket, heating pad, puppy, Netflix, and coffee. I feel safe in my blanket burrito. I’ll admit, it’s a nice escape from the harsh realities of life. Does it always serve me? Perhaps not. Is it comfortable? Absolutely. But the most pivotal question remains: Does it help me grow? The resounding answer is no, but it sure does feel nice to stay in my cocoon.

If you’re struggling to focus on the good in your life because you are so inundated with tasks, deadlines, and never-ending to-do lists, you are not alone in that feeling. Don’t be afraid to ask people for help when you need it. You’d be surprised at how accommodating others can be since most people feel this way at one point or another. Keep the faith that better days are coming, and cherish the moments you have right now. You are blessed to be here another day; many do not get the privilege of old age or seeing another sunrise. Remember that God lays the foreground for the days and weeks to come. Don’t forget his promises, and fixate on His zeal for His children. You are never without love.

Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome

Sometimes I feel like someone else is living my life and doing my daily tasks. This person seems to be carrying a higher purpose than me, and they are certainly more spiritually connected. This person has it more together than me in every sense — they are organized, clean often, their dog’s hair is never disheveled, and they are constantly keeping up to date on the latest information, trends, and social events. They are engaged in life. Do you feel like this is you at times? Like you’re unqualified for the life you are living? Enter imposter syndrome. Congrats, you have made it to adulting: level 12.

Imposter syndrome is something we all experience from time to time. Maybe you feel like you could be better, but you have lost the drive to do so due to burn out and exhaustion. Perhaps you’re feeling short with loved ones or behind in your responsibilities. You might feel disconnected and disjointed from life, causing you to enter the feelings of inadequacy that are so prevalent today. The feeling is so real, and it needs to be addressed more often. I’ve personally never felt so liberated when I let go of the to-do list and focus on the activities I enjoy, even if that means taking a personal day or slowing down to see the smallest idiosyncrasies of being alive. I am ridding myself of that imposter, and I’m making dreams a reality when I actively choose my life over believing falsehoods.

Now, I’m not going to start a long diatribe of blaming society or adopting the strong Midwest mentality of wearing burnout as a Medal of Honor. Both points are futile and pass the buck beyond the only person who can control it: you. Sure, there may be extenuating circumstances that will impede you from certain things. For example, as much as I’d love to read an entire novel during the work day and write multiple blog posts to get things off my chest, I have a devotion to giving my best to my company. However, we have the power of choosing where to allocate our time. My kryptonite, you ask? Working out. As an ex-athlete and competitor, it’s in my DNA. It gives me joy, until it doesn’t. Then I have to find the pages of a blog to bring me comfort and a place to be fully my vulnerable self.

Balance can be so hard, but time allocation is key. As much as I love working out, playing volleyball, and doing the daily routine, I’d also love to blog each and every day, because it brings me so much unfathomable joy. The English language will forever excite my brain. The more I write and read, the more time stops and I can truly grow and learn. Instead, lately I find myself worrying about my insecurities and hoping and praying my future self will measure up. Then the past loves to stop in and say hello without even a warning and in the form of unwelcome flashbacks. It’s up to me to stay in the present and make time for the things that fill my cup, all the while being transparent about these ideals with people I feel close to and trust.

One of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver, said it best. “Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” She couldn’t be more right. You have a certain amount of years left on this earth — so what are you going to do to live an inspired, awe-filled existence? It doesn’t have to be grandiose. It can be as simple as discovering a new song or concept, or dancing in the kitchen with messy hair and fuzzy socks. Perhaps it’s laying on the floor and bearing your heart and soul to someone. I promise you, whatever it is that fills your cup, it matters and it will bring you closer than ever to a feeling of wholeness. Your purpose doesn’t find you on accident, and your passions have a reason. Sometimes it may be tough to find the beauty in the breakdown. It’s messy and uncomfortable, and it feels a lot like letting the imposter win. Vulnerability is strength, and admitting your deficits can be extremely powerful and freeing.

Our existential experience is an ever-sliding scale of not cutting ourselves short, but also understanding how to adjust when we feel bested by imaginary demons. Or maybe they are more real than we think. Good and evil have battles on this earth every single day, so how will you choose to live out your one wild and precious life? Vulnerability, much like hard work, should also be an equal badge of honor. Think of a time when someone was vulnerable with you — how much closer did you feel to them because they let you in to their psyche and deepest thoughts? We live for those intellectual and somehow simultaneously emotional conversations. Those deep brain busters that can make us lie awake for hours on end. That’s when we are fully living. Add action onto that concept, and we are on our way to deriving real success.

Whatever your struggle may be right now, don’t forget it’s okay to be human. Your people in your corner are there for a reason. Be sure to surround yourself with people who lift you up, and decipher which ones aren’t worth your time. You have one life — it’s completely okay to be picky with who you get to be in it with. Don’t let your future self psyche you out: you will learn as you go, as you always have. Set the imposter aside and believe in your ability to do things the right way. God would not have appointed you these things if he didn’t think you could handle it. The power of choice in how we handle those struggles, however, is where we truly see our character.

Take that leap; fail toward. Do not let anyone come between you and your progress, especially if it’s your own self. But at the same time, remember the importance of admitting your failures as a learning tool, and don’t be afraid to lean on others for help when you fall short. And trust me, we all fall miserably short sometimes. But I think you know that already. Lean on what you believe in, and He will bring you closer than He ever has before. And it will feel messy, confusing, awkward, and terrifying all at once. Congratulations, you have now entered adulting phase 13: working through the failures. But that’s another conversation for another time. Instead, I’ll leave you to ponder on a verse from James. I hope it resonates with you, and I hope it carries you through your winter week ahead 🙏.

Let’s Talk About Burnout

Picture this: You are in your routine every single day, putting forth the utmost effort into your work, workouts, social life, and family time. Things are going well and you are consistently staying organized. You are working at optimal rates and you are firing on all cylinders, so to speak. And you sustain this energy for an extended period of time.

Then it hits you like a freight train – you have zero energy left and you are exhausted beyond belief. All the work you’ve done seems irrelevant, and your brain and body are reaching the dreaded word we all loathe: burnout.

The energy depletion is the culmination of multiple months of high functioning anxiety and constant goal-reaching and seeking. Or at least, that’s the case for me most of the time. It may be different for you, of course. Society tells us to keep going and that rest won’t get us anywhere. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t use that mentality often. Usually it works, but then I hit a plateau and it makes me slow down and smell the roses. Which also makes me turn to the pages of this blog, and in that regard, I’m SO thankful for it.

I rely on staying active and “up” 99% of the time. I try my best to live a healthy lifestyle and to obtain a positive mindset. But that 1%, man, it gets me in my feels and makes me wonder what it’s all for. I know it’s the A.N.T.S. talking (therapist speak for Automatic Negative Thoughts), but it doesn’t make it any less disheartening.

I start to question my worth, this life, my relationships with others, and even my relationship with myself. Admittedly, sometimes I don’t have the best self-vision. I’ve struggled with how I think of myself versus what others see for many years, and it’s masked behind a social disposition and a need to make people happy.

It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and anxious, but yet it’s all too alluring to keep the peace regardless of what I actually think. Things can be in chaos around me and I try to seemingly stay in my own world. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism because I don’t want want to face harsh reality. It frightens me to my core at times to think that’s this is all there is. There has to be MORE.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Christian and a believer, and I have a relationship with Jesus. I know in the grand scheme that this life is not our ending. I tell myself this often when I’m having an internal battle. But what about the turmoil this life brings? How do we deal with having more questions than answers?

The answer is there is no answer. And for someone who likes to know things, I’m convinced this will forever be a battle within my mind. But I think that’s the point. As He said, we will face struggles on Earth. The point is to grow us closer to Him.

There are many moments in the thick of it where I downright don’t feel like growing closer. In fact, I feel like rebelling and getting angry, which I’m aware is the exact opposite reaction He wants, but it’s me being real with myself. It would be disingenuous to tell myself that I feel any differently at those points in time.

So I need the chance to decompress, see the good again, put away the social media, take a work break, pet the dog, and write a blog post about it while the summer bugs buzz outside me at night. It’s oddly comforting to know we can embrace the silence and still know we are not alone, even in our ambivalence.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll feel the same way as I do now, or maybe I won’t. Full transparency and total side note: I’ve also been on a weight-loss journey the past few months. And let me tell you, it’s been HARD. I never realized how much emotionality and joy I was putting into the food I ate or things I drank. I still love a good cup of coffee, some chocolate, and a glass or two of wine, but I feel differently now and am more focused on health than I was before. I run more as well, and that’s an even bigger mental game.

Along with this journey, though, I’ve realized how difficult it is for me to take rest days in general. The gym helps me process what’s going on, and when I hit the point where my body is beyond sore and tired, I definitely struggle more. However, I’ve slowly realized it’s OK to take a break. You are human and God is the only one who can take on the problems of the world; it’s not on your shoulders. And you certainly won’t solve all the world’s issues in one gym session, (although you can try). * insert powerful cardio session here * 🙂

The world is heavy right now with so much political turmoil and hate-filled arguments. We turn against each other on a dime and forget that it’s okay to agree to disagree in a healthy way. Our country needs as many prayers as it can get, but it’s not going to happen through hate. Only love can heal our hearts and minds. I genuinely believe it’s all happening because it’s supposed to and history repeats itself, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch the news outlets or media. It’s downright sickening, but don’t let yourself get absorbed into it. As I alluded to before: take a few moments to reflect on your truth, & yours alone.

Maybe you are burnt out at work. Trust me, I get it. We are short staffed right now, like most of the companies in a COVID world. As they say, be kind to those who showed up. They most likely are carrying the weight of 3-4 employees because no one wants to work. If you are frustrated at things beyond your control, know He’s in control and He has a divine plan for your life. Even if you are a nonbeliever, there is strength in knowing there is a higher power beyond yourself.

Take the time to genuinely reflect on where you’re at emotionally, mentally, and physically. Don’t allow yourself to reach a point of burnout without recognizing your need to rest. I’ll have to take my own advice on this one, because I know I have moments of overwhelm and don’t always have the appropriate response to the high levels of frustration I feel at times.

It’s all too easy to try to rush through the pain, but I’m challenging myself to grow through it instead. Remember to mentally stimulate your brain outside of work – it’s part of the work-life balance we all strive for. Don’t give up on yourself in the process. Your worth is so much more than daily metrics, numbers on a scale, calories, lofty goals, or dilute opinions. Tell yourself that the next time you’re feeling helpless or exhausted, and I’ll be sure to do the same. ❤️

Just Be: Fill Your Own Cup, First and Foremost

I’ve run out of words, and it feels oddly good to just be honest in the moment. Perhaps listening and observing your own feelings is the best way to navigate them, or so I tell myself. My soul has been upset, empty, lost and troubled lately. The worst part is: I’ve struggled to understand the source. The only conclusion I can draw is that the lack of depth we get throughout our daily lives is something that truly astounds me. Doesn’t everyone crave something MORE that sets our hearts on fire? Love carries us through many things, but passion keeps us feeling alive in those endeavors.

Instead of seeking our passions and true interests, we settle for the 8-5 life where we eat, sleep, workout and repeat. And maybe, just maybe, we get a break in there where we can actually do what we wish to do. If routine comforts us, why does it also have the equal ability to destroy our creativity as well? We become complacent in our day-to-day, and the things that once temporarily filled us now become a monotonous, hollow grave where dreams go to die. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to submit myself to a life of mediocrity and subservience just for the sake of being comfortable.

I tell myself it’s just a tough season of life, and I try to always be the light-hearted one in the group who keeps it together despite my continuous, disruptive feelings of boredom. I continue to be the therapist friend, so to speak. The one who listens to everyone else’s problems and empathizes without interjecting with her own woes for fear of derailing the subject at hand. I sometimes deflect with humor or trivial things just to change the subject or lighten the mood, just for solidarity. But I’ve realized something the last few months: I have to fill up my own cup first and foremost before I can truly help others. Sure, I’ve known this as long as I’ve been alive, (30 years, mind you), but I seem to be extremely quick to forget its significance and bearing on every day tasks.

I’ve been grasping at straws and missing the life raft right in front of me: God. I’ve struggled to connect and I’ve been guilty of distracting myself with menial things that don’t matter in the grand scheme. It’s no wonder I feel empty after doing this for weeks, or even months at a time. This only goes so far, however, before I come to the realization of just how fragile I really am in this human body of mine. I try to take it all on myself, but I soon realize the futility of doing this when my emotions catch up to my busy, endlessly curious brain.

It’s okay to feel like you’re in a tough season. Change is imminent and you can’t control how people approach you or what you’re going to encounter. But one thing you CAN protect is your own peace and who you surround yourself with throughout this life. Don’t be afraid to be firm with people who don’t respect your boundaries. It’s okay to stand your ground while still giving grace. Contrary to popular opinion, the two ideas can coexist. Most people, however, just call it a dose of tough love.

Wherever you’re at in your life right now, I encourage you to take time out for yourself to do the things that fill your cup. Don’t push yourself to the point of a mental breakdown or where you don’t know who is staring at you in the mirror. God will help you. And even if you aren’t a believer, just know there’s something higher that’s helping you. This life isn’t all merely happenstance or coincidence. You were made for something much more than yourself. Once you start having confidence in that notion, it will carry you so much further than you’ve ever dreamed.

Searching for Inspiration During a Milestone

As I write this, I’m sitting near my sleepy dog with Hillsong worship music on, a weathered Bible on my lap, a movie on mute in the background, and a restless soul. The last few months have been a whirlwind, but I know they’ve been so worth it. I’m incredibly thankful and blessed to have experienced them.

I just turned 30 last week, and it’s been a bit surreal for me. I’m realizing the brevity of this life, and I’m determined to not waste it. Many emotions ran through my head as I celebrated a milestone of life: some good, some insecure, some exciting, and some unexpected. It brought me to tears to see friends and family for my surprise party, especially after the year we have had. I know one thing’s for sure: I’m so much better when I’m around the people who I care about and love deeply.

I’ve learned over the past twelve months to accept where I’m at and take it as it comes. Some things have been harder to accept than others, but I know that’s where the most growth happens. I’ve been extremely uncomfortable in some situations I’ve faced, but I believe God has been teaching me to be even more patient and to lead with love.

The more I think about myself, the less I become like Jesus. The more I think about others and love deeply, the more grounded I feel. I’ve become accustomed to having quite a bit of alone time now, and it hasn’t been the most natural process for me. Sure, I do like to recharge after a lot of stimulation, but this was a different feeling. It was a sense of stillness that I had to face with courage, even when I didn’t feel like being strong. In fact, many times, I felt quite the opposite.

After being a self-proclaimed people-person for many years, all of a sudden I felt alone. I know what you’re thinking: we are never truly isolated and God is with us. I think that, too, especially when I’m simultaneously tapping into my sense of logic and my heart. But to feel His presence is something else entirely. I’ll admit there were times that I wasn’t sure why I felt so empty. I felt ashamed, nervous, anxious, and a bit lost if I’m being honest. It was a visceral experience.

Everyone seemed to be moving on with their lives in an effortless fashion, yet here I sat in my apartment with nothing but music and a haunted heart. I was determined to break the cycle, so I turned to the gym and to keeping as busy as I possibly could. But soon enough, even that ran its course, and I was again forced to face what I was really feeling. It was a notion that I was somehow behind in this life just because I didn’t have certain things. I think that thought does naturally come when you hit a certain age and you may not feel like you’re where you need to be.

I’ve had to dig my heels in and really get in touch with my thoughts and emotions: the good, the bad, and the disorienting. But I’m so incredibly thankful that I do have such an insurmountable support system. To say I’m beyond blessed is a complete understatement.

Tell people how you feel about them. Don’t let another day go by without someone knowing just how much you love them. I know I don’t want to squander a day of this life hesitating or wondering what if anymore. I just want to live a life filled with love, support, courage, fullness, and strength.

Remember what you prayed for and cherish it in the moment. Even if you aren’t where you want to be, there’s a reason you’re in the position you are in now. In your heart of hearts, you know God puts you right where you need to be in order to prosper you. Don’t get distracted by the things that don’t matter. Be about the things that give you wisdom and hope.

I’m incredibly blessed that God said, “Not yet,” to the things I thought I wanted. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I tried to take control instead of Him. It’s never ended up very well for me, so I’m instead trusting that He has the drivers seat.

Prayer is the best form of love, so I’m continuing to pray for those seeds in my heart to come to fruition. I truly believe in that God’s time they will. I’m inspired by those around me, and I’ll always aspire to be a positive light in their lives. I’ll continue to pray for my friends and family who struggle with things that they don’t talk about. If it means I can help, then I will do it. They are the people who keep me going. After all, good relationships take reciprocity, hard work, and above all, love.

Thank you, God, for turning my hurts into strengths and my shortcomings into areas of opportunity. I’m so grateful that I was able to experience another decade of life with the family and friends who encourage me and make it so beautiful. Cheers to 30. Let’s take this on together.

The Power of Vulnerability

It’s the visceral feeling of being alive and well, but not being well and alive. Sometimes life throws things at you that you weren’t expecting, but it’s truly in the darkest places you can experience the light. At least that’s what I’ve told myself in order to feel better in those dark moments I’ve felt. However, in my 29 years on this earth, I can honestly say I’ve never felt so out of place in my own life the past year. I know there are many others who can relate.

I’ve tried my hand at many different interpersonal relationships, places, environments, and life changes. If I told you I felt super courageous all the time, I’d be lying through my teeth. But it feels good to let the truth be free, as it should be. It’s not about me I tell myself, and with every fiber of my being I know it to be absolutely true. Sometimes, however, it’s really nice to have a win when you’ve been out of your element for so long.

As I write this, I reflect on the times I’ve felt alone and taciturn in the past year. I don’t write it out of sympathy, but rather, more of an admittance to myself. I’ve always thought I had to be the life of the party or had to put the focus onto others all the time, but I’ve realized it’s been more about escaping my own issues. So that’s when no one knows what I’m struggling with, because I can’t even process it myself. It’s made me mentally and physically exhausted more times than I can count, and I want to break the cycle.

Some people are uncomfortable talking about mental health, and trust me, I’ve been one of those people before. Even though I’ve been at a loss more times than I can count, I can’t help but also be thankful for what the past year has brought to me growth-wise. Sure, as I alluded to earlier, I’ve been sad and lonely, as many of us have. And there have honestly been many moments where I have questioned my entire existence and why I’m even here or what my purpose is. But to say the instances of self-searching were a waste would be a gross understatement and completely false.

Maybe the last year hasn’t been as kind to you as you thought it would be. It’s okay to feel like your baby steps are even slower than you initially intended them to be. Grace is always allowed, especially when the world seems to be consumed by negativity and chaos. My hope and prayer is that this new year will be a turning point for many. I hope this year means more self-reflection, depth of mind, renewal of your faith, and advancement in all of the things that truly matter to you. As we know, this life is short and precious. Please don’t waste it on the opinions of others. Keep the faith and find your treasure in the moments of love, compassion, wisdom, and strength.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV), “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Writer’s Block Because 2020 Means Pure Survival Mode

2020 has been a whirlwind, to say the least. We’ve all experienced things we never even dreamed of encountering until now. People are getting sick and dying due to an unprecedented virus, political chaos is all around, depression & anxiety are skyrocketing, & everyone feels utterly alone and maybe even lost. We have no sense of normalcy; even down to the simple work day. I have a heavy feeling in my heart when I think of all the ways this year has impacted us. The good news is, we are not alone in how we feel. Life is still moving fast around us, but we are more resilient than we lead ourselves to believe.

No one talks about the thoughts that can linger when you are alone for quite some time. If you’re anything like me, your brain can go on overload very quickly. The thoughts aren’t always pleasant, and we certainly don’t have the normal distractions to get us through it. But maybe this is part of the test: to get so in touch with ourselves that we come out of this stronger and mightier. I know I’ve had my own personal fair share of challenges, both internal and external. I turn on the news or look on social media, and everything is hateful, flagrant, or emotionally emptying by nature. Then I try to stay busy, only to feel even more saddened by the day-to-day monotony of lonesomeness and tediousness. There has to be a better way, I tell myself. And then I wake up and do it all over again.

I haven’t felt the most positive lately, & I will be the first to admit that. However, I do believe everything has a purpose and what we do each day matters. We are here for a reason, pandemic or not. Maybe you’ve been feeling weighed down by the isolation like I have. We as humans are not meant to be islands – it’s not in our DNA. Yes, I’m even talking to the introverts here. We all need that connection and feeling of love to get us through the days. Where do you find your sense of love, belonging, and happiness? Perhaps it’s in the pages of a good book or journal. Or maybe your find solace in establishing a good gym routine and getting fit during Rona. Whatever it is, find your happy place and stick to it. But on the same token, don’t be afraid to change it up when you absolutely need it. Some days you need people, and other days you need alone time with God. Find the beauty in the darkest places, and you can sit comfortably with the negative emotions you may have been experiencing during this time.

I’ve had writer’s block the last few months, and usually I need to blog in order to verbally process what life has brought to my doorstep. I could have never imagined that I would be in this position personally and professionally, but I’m thankful for the opportunities it brings. I’m still hopeful for the future, and I still want to cherish each moment of my life. The tests this year has presented have made me all the more thankful for a rock solid foundation and support system of wonderful humans who care. No matter what the reality of life brings us, love is still an intangible measurement of strength, courage, connection, and conviction. And I know we will come out on the other side with a fresh perspective and renewed blessings.

What I’m trying to say is: you are not alone or empty. You are loved beyond measure. There is still hope for you, even if it feels hopeless right now. I understand the feeling wholeheartedly, and I know there are so many that do, whether they verbally express it or not. Whatever you are most afraid to do usually ends up being your greatest strength; the hardest part is getting started. Stay true to who you are no matter what life throws at you, and have faith that God knows what he’s doing. Yes, it doesn’t seem fair. Most of the time, it’s really not from an outsider’s perspective. God is giving us the tests now so that we can have endurance for the race set before us. You are enough, and you have always been enough. Remember His words when you are struggling, or reach out to someone who makes you feel less alone and more wholly you when you are around them. You’ve got this.

The Inevitable Passage of Time

You’ll never get those times back, or so they say. It’s the feeling when you look back to love and forget how you started, but you vividly know how light you felt. It’s the freedom you once lived by, and now you crave its beckoning call more than anything else in the world. It used to all be so easy. The emotions were fleeting, but the sense of possibility was strong. We didn’t plague ourselves with thoughts of self doubt: it just was. We lived each day in the present without restriction. Oh how I miss those days. Or maybe they are still within us, but we fail to recognize their power pulling to unknown adventures. It’s exhilarating and frightening all at the same time; and that’s exactly what makes it worth the risk.

We can get exhausted day in day out doing the same things. It can all seem so shallow and repetitive. We have a longing to be more; feel more; do more. We look for inspiration in unlikely places, just hoping to make a dent somehow. The challenge lies within us, but it also lies within the landscape of our ability and our circumstances. Or so we tell ourselves. And to that I say, there’s no way an individual should limit themselves in any capacity. Time and time again, we’ve seen miracles and unexplainable things happen, yet we still question the validity of the inexplicable. We need reason and logic, but sometimes we just have to throw caution to the wind and dive into the throws of the unfamiliar. It feels good to let go and be without limits. Let yourself float.

We’re curious as to how it’s all going to play out in the grand scheme of things. It’s one of the best and worst parts of life. But we wouldn’t want to know the ending. No, that would be too easy and downright nefarious. When we look to the sky for the answers, we get zero judgment and endless possibility. We don’t have to listen to our minds telling us we can’t do it, because we have a God whose got us covered despite our own selves. That’s the beauty of saving grace, and I’ll take that over pure logic any day.

The real connections remain strong despite the passage of the years. We know the ones who are there for us, and the ones who were never meant to trek the whole journey by our side. For they are meant for their own personal journeys, and we were merely chapters in each other’s books. How wonderful is it to know that time is the best teller of truth? We can’t escape its paradigm shift to our purpose and sense of home. The chaos compliments the grace, as contradictory as it may seem. When we look to the abstract, we know in our heart how small we are and how large ideas are. And it throws us into its wondrous whirlwind of whimsy and construct without regard for fear or rejection. Because it is more immense than us. And we are intrinsically bigger than our own trepidation.

So where does this leave us now? We have all of these connections, and yet we feel like life moves in such a fluid, vapid way at times. How do we negate the fluff to get to the good, meaningful stuff? However we have to do it; whether it’s through music, walks, animals, people, or nature, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can break through the taciturn times with self-reflection and inner peace. We know we have limitless access to something much more powerful than ourselves, and that’s what keeps us moving in a more loving, present, affable way. And it turns out, it’s everything we need. No more, no less. All we need is Love: it transcends time and brings us to a place of unity once again.

Psalm 90:12 (ESV) “So teach us to number our days so that we may get a heart of wisdom.” ♥️

As of Late

I’m torn between a good time and a fine line. I close my eyes and see clarity; but in the day to day, I feel constricted. The wine hits my lips and the music fills the silence. Another day has passed without a single thing happening at all. And yet, time is passing quickly with each waking moment. I open my eyes again, and it feels like two years have passed. It’s as if I was asleep the entire time, only to be awoken by the sting of reality.

We take solace in the words on the page, but what about the twisting of our fate? Does that not also have validity in the quiet moments? Relax, rustle, relax, rustle, repeat. I’m nauseated at the thought of living a single moment without purpose, and yet it evades me when I complete another menial task. I have to ask the question: am I living my fullest life, or I am living to meet the expectations of those who need help? Perhaps they are one in the same. Those that need help have the greatest priority, but what if my cup is also empty? I shudder at the thought, because I know how true it’s been in my life. I take a step back and realize how important health, love, and relationships become. They fill the emptiness with a vengeance. I feel home again, but it’s not without its headaches and stomach twists.

I’m unsure if anyone will understand my internal dilemma, so most of the time I keep it to myself. Until, of course, the void opens and the emotions come flooding. I smile at the thought of the ridiculousness of my own mind, and yet I choose to stay guarded. It’s easier than being made light of in the darkest moments that fill my heart. The memories come back to me; some good, some daunting. I no longer know what’s real and what’s not. The light switch is off, and I get antsy at the thought of being alone in my own thoughts again. But I know this is where I can grow in my relationship with Christ, as it tests my perseverance and calms my anxious soul.

I’m told we can somehow drown out the noise – but I’m not so sure that’s an actual thing. The discomfort I feel is nothing compared to the joy that’s coming, of that I am certain. Perhaps I’ve always perpetuated my own pain like a vicious cycle of uninformed decisions. Then I overthink it to death until there’s nothing left but a skeleton of what once was. Maybe we are all shadows of our previous selves. Life knocks us down, but we certainly don’t have to stay there. It builds our patience and opens our bolted doors. Suddenly, we are free to be who we are meant to be. And that’s the most beautiful sentiment of all.

I worry someday I won’t have the wherewithal to type sentences on a page. But then I reflect on how much I need His presence, and I feel peace once again. To be whole in the present is a superpower I’m still trying to master. I’m a work in progress, just as God intended it to be. So I’ll put my faith in the feeling of God’s eternal love and grace. The rest is merely futuristic and purely an idea at this point. I’ll choose joy in the quiet, calm, chaotic, miraculous still frames of my life. Not because I am called to, but because of God’s love pulling me back in when I am lead astray. The polarity grips me once again, and I can pray through the discomfort and fear. He has control, and that’s all I need to hear.