Goodbye, Little One: A Post on Pregnancy Loss

Trigger warning: This post may open up a host of emotions that you may not be ready to feel or relate to right now. If so, please feel free to scroll.

It opens up a sadness like you have never experienced before. You feel raw, empty, hardened, bitter, and helpless all at once. It crashes down upon you in an instant, and its presence can remain a lifetime. I wish so many people couldn’t relate to the feeling of heartache and loss we call miscarriage.

You wonder what you did wrong, only to realize there’s absolutely nothing you could have done differently. Your resolve quickly disappears, and you try to numb yourself; only to realize that nothing can truly take the pain away. The shock and sadness comes over you like a tidal wave, triggers banging into the shore just to remind you of your loss. You have waited for this moment, only for it to be short lived and taken as quickly as it was given.

People don’t talk about how the deep emotional wound brings other previous trauma wounds to the surface. Things that you have buried suddenly become familiar again, much to your dismay. The wounds continuously stack over themselves, until you feel broken, empty, exhausted, and above all, emotionally bankrupt.

You close your eyes just to get a grip on reality, only to discover that you want to go back to your dreams. Your dreams are where your heart hasn’t shattered into a million pieces. You want to bury yourself into sad music, books that can relate, snuggling with your dog, social activities, and exercise; but it all fails to keep you happy like it did once before. All of your regular activities will not fill the hole, no matter how hard you try to block it and put a smile on your face.

The pain is so visceral that you feel blinded by its palpable force. You felt this baby in your body and soul at one time, even if it was short, and you were never alone during its stay. Once the baby leaves you, the feelings of emptiness and abandon start, and you are left to pick up the pieces. Every experience and pregnancy is unique, and the losses vary based on the individual. But one thing is universal: the sorrow you feel when the pregnancy is gone.

We prayed so hard for this child, and we will continue to pray for success in the future. But we will never forget this experience; both the good and the bad. It etches a piece of your heart and mind and writes a different story than you had originally pictured. It’s messy and diluted – the opposite of what you had envisioned for your life. They say that’s how this life works, because of the fall and how broken we are. There are many times I want to have a personal conversation with Adam and Eve about this injustice, only to realize it’s futile. Our human experience isn’t meant to be smooth or linear – it’s meant to be real.

I can tell you over and over again how many times I’ve tried to self-soothe and lessen the blow, but it may not help. To feel it is to heal it, even if it feels like it’s breaking you in its grip. They say time heals all wounds, but I disagree. I think time changes all wounds, and it forms differently than it originally had to somehow fit into the plan for your lifetime. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that He knows the plans for our lives, so I’m going to defer to God on this one.

Even if the grief process happens to a lot of people and is “common”, it doesn’t take away from the feelings you have. To say most people feel this is a blanket statement and complete platitude for real sorrow. Your feelings are valid.

It gives me hope to know that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings, but I also wish so many didn’t know the pain of miscarriage. The grieving process is confusing, frightening, frustrating, and completely elusive. You can’t label it or put it in a box: it just is.

To the one who is hurting from pregnancy loss or something like it – I hear you and I see you. Most importantly, God hears you and sees you. Wherever you are at in your fertility journey, we will continue to pray for success and a hope-filled future. That’s what we hinge upon now: hope and faith. If God can perform miracles, he can perform one for all the little ones that have been lost, or have yet to be.

I wrote to our little blessing every week of his/her journey here with us. Now that I’m making my peace with our baby being in a different place, I know he/she is placed in the best of hands. Goodbye for now, little one. We miss you so much already. We will see you again someday. 🙏🩶

Bankrupt without Love

The ethereal sounds make our heart sing and dance

We know we at peace from the way it hits our soul

To feel like we have been given a second chance

This is the way life is to behold

Now we can feel the joy resounding

We can close our eyes and just be

The way our heads are pounding

It’s no wonder we need to feel free

We know this isn’t our home

Sometimes we forget amongst the noise

To feel like we can roam

Is something in which we have a choice

We can choose to be sad and that’s okay

We are human and we are frail

All we can really do is pray

We are loved even when we fail

By a force so gale and large

We know beyond us it exists

We don’t have to be in charge

When God continues to persist

He chooses us every single day

We are so busy that we forget to be thankful

He thinks you are perfect in every type of way

Even when life begins to be a handful

It can really challenge you and you can decide

What are you going to do?

You can choose to crumble, or choose to enjoy the ride

God is with forever with you

When you feel so upset that you cannot see

The Lord is present and calm

He is the almighty and has come to be

So that we can feel his presence and be strong

Vulnerability is the key to all things

We don’t always want to show it

By grace through faith his words ring

In our hearts we already know it

The Importance of Dreams

Free your mind and the rest will follow. Let your spirit wonder and close your eyes. This is where the dreams come into effect. Life gets monotonous and serious, but ideas remain intangible truths waiting to come to fruition. Deny the voice inside, and it will come back to haunt your nightmares and give you hell until you pay attention to it. That’s the dark reality and enigmatic irony of dreamland. Don’t stop the visions from gracing your daydreams when you are awake, for they are deeper indicators of your most innate desires and hopes.

The alternate, (and most pertinent), definitions of a dream are as follows: 1. A succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. 2. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie. 3. An aspiration; goal; aim. & Finally 4. Something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.

I’m something of a hippie when I think of flow state dreams and aspirations beyond the normal. Perhaps I’m an optimist when it comes to reaching higher frequencies than this dimension; it’s why I believe in entities larger than me. And it’s part of what makes me, well, me. I want to see what I can’t see by feeling. Dreams help me do just that.

Dreams are a connection to something above ourselves. They are so powerful in telling us the visceral, the obstinate, and even the threshold of our pain. The definition says daydreams are voluntary, but I’d like to challenge that notion. What if they involuntarily arise in the form of flashbacks, and said flashbacks are an inevitable part of growth? What then do we do with the present, when the past is constantly lurking, waiting to be unfolded, unhatched, and dissected. How then do we patch the hole and complete the necessary framework to live in the present without holding back?

I have more questions than answers as to the power of the mind and all of its idiosyncrasies. It comes to me in fragments, as well as scattered, muddled moments in time. It feels like there are large portions of my life missing, all because I can’t put the puzzle pieces back together with my psyche in tact. It shakes me to my core that I may reach the end of my life without a single dream intact, all because I was jaded by the what-if’s and tricks my mind plays on me when I’m under duress.

Let’s come full circle for a moment and reflect on some of the other definitions. Dreamland can be a beautiful, charming, and excellent place after all, according to definition number four. It’s why so many have obsessed about the topic before our time. We can escape into its grasp without having to follow our conscious mind; however, it may take us to places we don’t want to face. The longer we avoid the problems of the day, the greater the struggle will be in dreamland. Some of it we can change, and others we can merely work on to lessen the blow of reality when we are awake.

If we fail to scratch the surface and see the frailty of our existence in our conscious life, our night visions will bring us right back to a place of destitution, solace, and conviction. No matter how many times we set the scene, our intuitive side will acquiesce and ascend our logical brain’s propensity to overthink. Our sheer existence makes our brains turn, simply because we cannot comprehend where we fit and how we got to this point. It’s a beauty in the blunder simulation; one that I’m quite well-versed in by now.

We are taught to deny ourselves, but what if the sum of that denial leads to greater pitfalls down the road? What are we to do when we look in the mirror, and we don’t even recognize ourselves? What happens when we disassociate our minds, spirits, and bodies into believing we are numb to all earthly experiences? The frustration mounts, yet the apathy keeps us from feeling our emotions and identifying their sources. So we continue to live in a comfortable, rhythmic progression of half-baked memories and broken realizations of a life we had once envisioned. Now our friendly flow state becomes enemy number one to our goals and dreams moving forward.

I could potentially philosophize about it all day, but I also am self-aware enough to know that the root of my restlessness can stem from unrealized goals and unfinished aspirations. If you think a writer doesn’t think of every possible scenario at all times, you are sorely mistaken. We are prepared for an emotional apocalypse with every breath we take. We are utterly fascinated yet overwhelmed by ideation 25/8. And the other portion of the time, we are creating scenarios in our head just to spice up the mundane parts of life.

My point is: Your dreams have meaning, both awake and asleep, and whether they are finished or merely particles waiting to take flight. Your life is waiting for you on either side of your consciousness. It’s arguably one of the most important parts of our development: To realize dreams and meet our needs. We tell children to dream big. Maybe it’s time we start capitalizing on that advice as adults. After all, the best kind of adults are the ones who conceptualize their dreams and keep them in their wheelhouse for realization later in life. Hang onto those visions for your life with the maturity of someone who has lived, yet the childhood imagination of possibility, and you are on your way to an aligned spirit and fruitful wellbeing.

Maybe Love

“I just want to love people from a distance.” I cannot believe those words as they emerge from my mouth, but they couldn’t be more true at the present moment. They don’t tell you how much you mourn previous dreams when you are at a pivotal moment. They say it’s going to all fall into place, and most of the time, it does. But what about the rest of the pieces? Do they somehow get misplaced into an existential orbit of nothingness? Like a disintegrating boat lost at sea? I seem to recall a time when things were much simpler and with more respite. But now the only thing that rests is my body when it sleeps. And even then, it still wakes up pained about the visceral nightmares it just endured. Never misjudge the psyche and its sheer power to bring your greatest fears to the forefront when you’re at your weakest.

It started out harmless, like a friend beckoning me to watch a movie of my life. I wonder if that’s what God replays when we stand at the gates of eternity. If he replays my life, I hope he feels how much I truly tried to be strong when I wasn’t. Does he know how much it pained me to go through the motions at times? Was it all just a frenzy of trying to get from one place to the next? I don’t remember when it started, but I sure hope I can see the ending. Or maybe I don’t want to know, for fear of looming existential dread ensuing.

I’m not going to tell him a bunch of platitudes and clichés about how much I tried to reach for the stars. I’m a human with many frailties and insecurities. Maybe that’s my biggest fear: to have my biggest obstacles displayed on a screen as if they were nothing but a cataclysmic failure of epic proportions. Perhaps I want to feel like I have somehow conquered life’s pitfalls with the accomplishments I think I have. That’s the biggest lie of all – to think that all of the material or professional accolades can even come close to the rushing sensation of love.

I’ve always tried to be as positive as possible, in all scenarios. And most of the time, I have succeeded. Was I truly happy all the time? Not necessarily, but that’s a truth I have to bear. Everyone else saw a different story while I was waging wars in my own mind. I have come to realize it was a form of masking. My old therapist said, “You want to have your insides match your outsides.” I intrinsically knew what she meant, but to actually get there was another thing entirely. She was asking me to land on the moon; a momentous goal I knew I’d fall short of before I even made the first step.

So I did what anyone else would do – I took her advice and put my feet in the water when all I wanted to do was run as far away as possible. The flight or fight starts at a young age: it’s engrained in us as we tussle with our human condition. I started journaling my thoughts on paper, and that’s when things started to truly click. Life wasn’t about the next big thing, nor was it about how many social connections I concocted in one sitting. Although I’ll admit, at that time in my life, my mind was so muddled, I was sure I hardly made an adept conversationalist. The journal, however, cleared my muddy mind in a way that nothing else had before. I got back to one of my first loves in life: writing.

When we are children, we automatically chase our dreams without hesitation. We have no adult inhibitions or perceptions of judgement holding us back. We are at the truest forms of ourselves when we are little, and no one can convince me of anything different. We are so excited for the next breath of air in our youth. Everything is brand new and enthralling. The question remains: when do we lose this sense of amusement and inquisitiveness? It’s a rhetorical question, one we truly have to think about when we look back on the book of our lives.

Maybe it resonates with you, maybe it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, ask yourself one more clarifying question if you feel burdened by adulthood – when did it change? The memory tends to forget things and twist the mold to whatever it likes. The truth is always the hardest, most convicting thing to hear. That’s why we say the truth hurts. Don’t be afraid to go back to your story and ask questions, remember things, and fill in blanks where there were once blankets of deceit. It will set you free to be clear of any misconceptions you once had. We are free in Christ.

I don’t want to leave any book unwritten or stone unturned while I’m here. I want to live like I did when I was a child with the freedom to be myself in my most holistic form. But I also want to live with the wisdom of a 31-year-old who loves to learn and is eager to keep growing in love and light. We are more capable than we know. Why stymie your potential for the sake of saving a little face in front of peers or role models? They will appreciate the risk so much more when it comes from a genuine, gratuitous place. Keep chasing your dreams and don’t forget how you got to this place. Maybe love will find you right where you are in your journey.

Reverie

All the words I couldn’t say

Got lost along the way

And when I felt strong

The words just felt wrong

I wish I could stay

Forever in the fray

Something to get eager about

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

I don’t want to be cryptic

I almost missed it

The feeling of being alive

The monotony makes me hollow inside

The words flow out onto pages

To think of the life I’ve lived in stages

Where do I go from here?

End times feel like they’re near

It all sounds so silly and sad

But I’m glad it made me mad

The empty heart is one with me

Until I can feel it beat

No more auditing myself

My words are now my wealth

If they have a problem with it

They can go take respite

I’m not going to pretend anymore

To not be myself is such a bore

It stymies me to the point of reserve

Is this something I actually deserve?

In a world so contained by expectation

When will I realize it’s not just reservation?

It’s an innate need to be loved and seen

Everyone and everything can feel so mean

Maybe that’s the inner child speaking

She’s stuck somewhere inside shrieking

Let me out of this pragmatic nightmare

In my dreams my enemies glare

They know my points of weakness

It covers to the point of bleakness

Then the visceral night visions begin

It goes beyond the surface with the tiniest pin

Into the deepest, darkest secrets I carry

Its terror taking me down so merry

But I won’t let it win the fight

It speaks to me only out of spite

I find rest in the unknown

Something in which I have grown

I need it in order to be whole

For the spirit to fill my mind and soul

The heart and mind constantly bicker

To the point where the outside is wicker

It’s been hardened by past events

Even the ones that no longer make sense

The mind forgets and buries

But the heart remembers in hurries

Never sit still ever again

Just long enough until the next sin

It no longer should take ahold of me

The past mistakes collected their fee

I’m forgiven by a love so rare

I wonder if it even flourishes up there

But I know the truth in the depths

I just have to take those steps

Into the spiritual duality of living

It’s merely a process of pivoting

I look back on all the decisions made

I can no longer be haunted or dismayed

Because I know this is where I should be

I love this life and all of its reverie

Free Fall

Let your mind roam

Go to a place you don’t normally go

Feel the wind at your back

When your mind is under attack

Do not fear the unbelief

Someday soon you will feel relief

Go into the zone of the unknown

See what needs to be shown

Don’t let the demons win

They mess with your head until you spin

You know in your heart who you are

Even if it all seems so far

At the end of the day it’s about love

Even if you can’t feel it above

The days are long but the years are short

Time is a continuum we seem to transport

If you’re feeling inferior, it’s okay

God has you covered when feeling dismay

Remember the times He had your back

Especially when things seemed to lack

He had you then, and He has you now

So get up and wipe your brow

The time is here to be whole again

It will all come back times ten

Don’t let the hate drive you away

Lay down in love and choose to stay

Don’t obsess about the details

Just relax and feel your pulse

You’re alive and well, and that’s a blessing

Yet here you are, sitting here stressing

Love is a choice we make every day

So choose the path of His loving way

Life’s Ebbs & Flows: A Focus on Thankfulness Amidst the Struggle

Love the life you live, or so they say. We’ve heard it over and over again that you have one life to live, so you better embrace it. Full disclosure and complete honesty: Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t be bothered to be overly happy. I know what you’re thinking — this sounds so ungrateful. Believe me, I hear it too when the words come out of my mouth. I pray on it, think on it, and I even journal about it. But sometimes this gritty, low feeling rocks me to my core, regardless of what good has come. The depression comes on, and I have to fight it tooth and nail.

This counterintuitive, misguided feeling has led me down some unfavorable roads at times, but it’s also taught me the most lessons in life. I never want to lose my voice in the midst of chaos, just for the sake of conforming to societal pressures. Light comes from darkness, and I try to remind myself of the warmth in my life when I’m feeling especially blue. It really is true — you can have everything you have ever wanted at your fingertips, but life can still bring you to a place of emptiness with its menial chores and seemingly limitless laundry list of pleasantries. When you’re feeling downright shitty, the last thing you want to do is smile and continue the grind.

So you’re essentially faced with 3 options. Option 1: Continue on despite the fact that you’re dead inside. * insert Michael Scott quote here. * Option 2: Completely shut down, sabotage yourself, and turn to things that still won’t fill your cup. Option 3: Take a break, practice self-care, journal, and get it out however you need to. I don’t know about you, but I’ve chosen a different one each time I’ve faced a challenge, and only the third one has actually brought me peace.

In life, we are taught to lead with our head instead of our heart, but I’d argue that both have equal value. Sometimes my feelings and heart feel frail, but my mind is sharp as a tack. Other days my heart is full, while it’s my mind that struggles. Lately, it seems, the balance of the two has evaded me. Between wedding planning, a new work role, endless workouts, and work from home burnout, there have been many times where I’ve wanted to curl up in a ball and say I cannot do this.

The extroverted part of me wants to talk to everyone every moment of every day, while the introverted, shy part of me wants to stay with my blanket, heating pad, puppy, Netflix, and coffee. I feel safe in my blanket burrito. I’ll admit, it’s a nice escape from the harsh realities of life. Does it always serve me? Perhaps not. Is it comfortable? Absolutely. But the most pivotal question remains: Does it help me grow? The resounding answer is no, but it sure does feel nice to stay in my cocoon.

If you’re struggling to focus on the good in your life because you are so inundated with tasks, deadlines, and never-ending to-do lists, you are not alone in that feeling. Don’t be afraid to ask people for help when you need it. You’d be surprised at how accommodating others can be since most people feel this way at one point or another. Keep the faith that better days are coming, and cherish the moments you have right now. You are blessed to be here another day; many do not get the privilege of old age or seeing another sunrise. Remember that God lays the foreground for the days and weeks to come. Don’t forget his promises, and fixate on His zeal for His children. You are never without love.

Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome

Sometimes I feel like someone else is living my life and doing my daily tasks. This person seems to be carrying a higher purpose than me, and they are certainly more spiritually connected. This person has it more together than me in every sense — they are organized, clean often, their dog’s hair is never disheveled, and they are constantly keeping up to date on the latest information, trends, and social events. They are engaged in life. Do you feel like this is you at times? Like you’re unqualified for the life you are living? Enter imposter syndrome. Congrats, you have made it to adulting: level 12.

Imposter syndrome is something we all experience from time to time. Maybe you feel like you could be better, but you have lost the drive to do so due to burn out and exhaustion. Perhaps you’re feeling short with loved ones or behind in your responsibilities. You might feel disconnected and disjointed from life, causing you to enter the feelings of inadequacy that are so prevalent today. The feeling is so real, and it needs to be addressed more often. I’ve personally never felt so liberated when I let go of the to-do list and focus on the activities I enjoy, even if that means taking a personal day or slowing down to see the smallest idiosyncrasies of being alive. I am ridding myself of that imposter, and I’m making dreams a reality when I actively choose my life over believing falsehoods.

Now, I’m not going to start a long diatribe of blaming society or adopting the strong Midwest mentality of wearing burnout as a Medal of Honor. Both points are futile and pass the buck beyond the only person who can control it: you. Sure, there may be extenuating circumstances that will impede you from certain things. For example, as much as I’d love to read an entire novel during the work day and write multiple blog posts to get things off my chest, I have a devotion to giving my best to my company. However, we have the power of choosing where to allocate our time. My kryptonite, you ask? Working out. As an ex-athlete and competitor, it’s in my DNA. It gives me joy, until it doesn’t. Then I have to find the pages of a blog to bring me comfort and a place to be fully my vulnerable self.

Balance can be so hard, but time allocation is key. As much as I love working out, playing volleyball, and doing the daily routine, I’d also love to blog each and every day, because it brings me so much unfathomable joy. The English language will forever excite my brain. The more I write and read, the more time stops and I can truly grow and learn. Instead, lately I find myself worrying about my insecurities and hoping and praying my future self will measure up. Then the past loves to stop in and say hello without even a warning and in the form of unwelcome flashbacks. It’s up to me to stay in the present and make time for the things that fill my cup, all the while being transparent about these ideals with people I feel close to and trust.

One of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver, said it best. “Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” She couldn’t be more right. You have a certain amount of years left on this earth — so what are you going to do to live an inspired, awe-filled existence? It doesn’t have to be grandiose. It can be as simple as discovering a new song or concept, or dancing in the kitchen with messy hair and fuzzy socks. Perhaps it’s laying on the floor and bearing your heart and soul to someone. I promise you, whatever it is that fills your cup, it matters and it will bring you closer than ever to a feeling of wholeness. Your purpose doesn’t find you on accident, and your passions have a reason. Sometimes it may be tough to find the beauty in the breakdown. It’s messy and uncomfortable, and it feels a lot like letting the imposter win. Vulnerability is strength, and admitting your deficits can be extremely powerful and freeing.

Our existential experience is an ever-sliding scale of not cutting ourselves short, but also understanding how to adjust when we feel bested by imaginary demons. Or maybe they are more real than we think. Good and evil have battles on this earth every single day, so how will you choose to live out your one wild and precious life? Vulnerability, much like hard work, should also be an equal badge of honor. Think of a time when someone was vulnerable with you — how much closer did you feel to them because they let you in to their psyche and deepest thoughts? We live for those intellectual and somehow simultaneously emotional conversations. Those deep brain busters that can make us lie awake for hours on end. That’s when we are fully living. Add action onto that concept, and we are on our way to deriving real success.

Whatever your struggle may be right now, don’t forget it’s okay to be human. Your people in your corner are there for a reason. Be sure to surround yourself with people who lift you up, and decipher which ones aren’t worth your time. You have one life — it’s completely okay to be picky with who you get to be in it with. Don’t let your future self psyche you out: you will learn as you go, as you always have. Set the imposter aside and believe in your ability to do things the right way. God would not have appointed you these things if he didn’t think you could handle it. The power of choice in how we handle those struggles, however, is where we truly see our character.

Take that leap; fail toward. Do not let anyone come between you and your progress, especially if it’s your own self. But at the same time, remember the importance of admitting your failures as a learning tool, and don’t be afraid to lean on others for help when you fall short. And trust me, we all fall miserably short sometimes. But I think you know that already. Lean on what you believe in, and He will bring you closer than He ever has before. And it will feel messy, confusing, awkward, and terrifying all at once. Congratulations, you have now entered adulting phase 13: working through the failures. But that’s another conversation for another time. Instead, I’ll leave you to ponder on a verse from James. I hope it resonates with you, and I hope it carries you through your winter week ahead 🙏.

Let’s Talk About Burnout

Picture this: You are in your routine every single day, putting forth the utmost effort into your work, workouts, social life, and family time. Things are going well and you are consistently staying organized. You are working at optimal rates and you are firing on all cylinders, so to speak. And you sustain this energy for an extended period of time.

Then it hits you like a freight train – you have zero energy left and you are exhausted beyond belief. All the work you’ve done seems irrelevant, and your brain and body are reaching the dreaded word we all loathe: burnout.

The energy depletion is the culmination of multiple months of high functioning anxiety and constant goal-reaching and seeking. Or at least, that’s the case for me most of the time. It may be different for you, of course. Society tells us to keep going and that rest won’t get us anywhere. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t use that mentality often. Usually it works, but then I hit a plateau and it makes me slow down and smell the roses. Which also makes me turn to the pages of this blog, and in that regard, I’m SO thankful for it.

I rely on staying active and “up” 99% of the time. I try my best to live a healthy lifestyle and to obtain a positive mindset. But that 1%, man, it gets me in my feels and makes me wonder what it’s all for. I know it’s the A.N.T.S. talking (therapist speak for Automatic Negative Thoughts), but it doesn’t make it any less disheartening.

I start to question my worth, this life, my relationships with others, and even my relationship with myself. Admittedly, sometimes I don’t have the best self-vision. I’ve struggled with how I think of myself versus what others see for many years, and it’s masked behind a social disposition and a need to make people happy.

It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and anxious, but yet it’s all too alluring to keep the peace regardless of what I actually think. Things can be in chaos around me and I try to seemingly stay in my own world. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism because I don’t want want to face harsh reality. It frightens me to my core at times to think that’s this is all there is. There has to be MORE.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Christian and a believer, and I have a relationship with Jesus. I know in the grand scheme that this life is not our ending. I tell myself this often when I’m having an internal battle. But what about the turmoil this life brings? How do we deal with having more questions than answers?

The answer is there is no answer. And for someone who likes to know things, I’m convinced this will forever be a battle within my mind. But I think that’s the point. As He said, we will face struggles on Earth. The point is to grow us closer to Him.

There are many moments in the thick of it where I downright don’t feel like growing closer. In fact, I feel like rebelling and getting angry, which I’m aware is the exact opposite reaction He wants, but it’s me being real with myself. It would be disingenuous to tell myself that I feel any differently at those points in time.

So I need the chance to decompress, see the good again, put away the social media, take a work break, pet the dog, and write a blog post about it while the summer bugs buzz outside me at night. It’s oddly comforting to know we can embrace the silence and still know we are not alone, even in our ambivalence.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll feel the same way as I do now, or maybe I won’t. Full transparency and total side note: I’ve also been on a weight-loss journey the past few months. And let me tell you, it’s been HARD. I never realized how much emotionality and joy I was putting into the food I ate or things I drank. I still love a good cup of coffee, some chocolate, and a glass or two of wine, but I feel differently now and am more focused on health than I was before. I run more as well, and that’s an even bigger mental game.

Along with this journey, though, I’ve realized how difficult it is for me to take rest days in general. The gym helps me process what’s going on, and when I hit the point where my body is beyond sore and tired, I definitely struggle more. However, I’ve slowly realized it’s OK to take a break. You are human and God is the only one who can take on the problems of the world; it’s not on your shoulders. And you certainly won’t solve all the world’s issues in one gym session, (although you can try). * insert powerful cardio session here * 🙂

The world is heavy right now with so much political turmoil and hate-filled arguments. We turn against each other on a dime and forget that it’s okay to agree to disagree in a healthy way. Our country needs as many prayers as it can get, but it’s not going to happen through hate. Only love can heal our hearts and minds. I genuinely believe it’s all happening because it’s supposed to and history repeats itself, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch the news outlets or media. It’s downright sickening, but don’t let yourself get absorbed into it. As I alluded to before: take a few moments to reflect on your truth, & yours alone.

Maybe you are burnt out at work. Trust me, I get it. We are short staffed right now, like most of the companies in a COVID world. As they say, be kind to those who showed up. They most likely are carrying the weight of 3-4 employees because no one wants to work. If you are frustrated at things beyond your control, know He’s in control and He has a divine plan for your life. Even if you are a nonbeliever, there is strength in knowing there is a higher power beyond yourself.

Take the time to genuinely reflect on where you’re at emotionally, mentally, and physically. Don’t allow yourself to reach a point of burnout without recognizing your need to rest. I’ll have to take my own advice on this one, because I know I have moments of overwhelm and don’t always have the appropriate response to the high levels of frustration I feel at times.

It’s all too easy to try to rush through the pain, but I’m challenging myself to grow through it instead. Remember to mentally stimulate your brain outside of work – it’s part of the work-life balance we all strive for. Don’t give up on yourself in the process. Your worth is so much more than daily metrics, numbers on a scale, calories, lofty goals, or dilute opinions. Tell yourself that the next time you’re feeling helpless or exhausted, and I’ll be sure to do the same. ❤️

Just Be: Fill Your Own Cup, First and Foremost

I’ve run out of words, and it feels oddly good to just be honest in the moment. Perhaps listening and observing your own feelings is the best way to navigate them, or so I tell myself. My soul has been upset, empty, lost and troubled lately. The worst part is: I’ve struggled to understand the source. The only conclusion I can draw is that the lack of depth we get throughout our daily lives is something that truly astounds me. Doesn’t everyone crave something MORE that sets our hearts on fire? Love carries us through many things, but passion keeps us feeling alive in those endeavors.

Instead of seeking our passions and true interests, we settle for the 8-5 life where we eat, sleep, workout and repeat. And maybe, just maybe, we get a break in there where we can actually do what we wish to do. If routine comforts us, why does it also have the equal ability to destroy our creativity as well? We become complacent in our day-to-day, and the things that once temporarily filled us now become a monotonous, hollow grave where dreams go to die. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to submit myself to a life of mediocrity and subservience just for the sake of being comfortable.

I tell myself it’s just a tough season of life, and I try to always be the light-hearted one in the group who keeps it together despite my continuous, disruptive feelings of boredom. I continue to be the therapist friend, so to speak. The one who listens to everyone else’s problems and empathizes without interjecting with her own woes for fear of derailing the subject at hand. I sometimes deflect with humor or trivial things just to change the subject or lighten the mood, just for solidarity. But I’ve realized something the last few months: I have to fill up my own cup first and foremost before I can truly help others. Sure, I’ve known this as long as I’ve been alive, (30 years, mind you), but I seem to be extremely quick to forget its significance and bearing on every day tasks.

I’ve been grasping at straws and missing the life raft right in front of me: God. I’ve struggled to connect and I’ve been guilty of distracting myself with menial things that don’t matter in the grand scheme. It’s no wonder I feel empty after doing this for weeks, or even months at a time. This only goes so far, however, before I come to the realization of just how fragile I really am in this human body of mine. I try to take it all on myself, but I soon realize the futility of doing this when my emotions catch up to my busy, endlessly curious brain.

It’s okay to feel like you’re in a tough season. Change is imminent and you can’t control how people approach you or what you’re going to encounter. But one thing you CAN protect is your own peace and who you surround yourself with throughout this life. Don’t be afraid to be firm with people who don’t respect your boundaries. It’s okay to stand your ground while still giving grace. Contrary to popular opinion, the two ideas can coexist. Most people, however, just call it a dose of tough love.

Wherever you’re at in your life right now, I encourage you to take time out for yourself to do the things that fill your cup. Don’t push yourself to the point of a mental breakdown or where you don’t know who is staring at you in the mirror. God will help you. And even if you aren’t a believer, just know there’s something higher that’s helping you. This life isn’t all merely happenstance or coincidence. You were made for something much more than yourself. Once you start having confidence in that notion, it will carry you so much further than you’ve ever dreamed.